Alternative title: how to cure hiccups. Probably should have led with that one.
So I had spent the day alternating between the fainting couch and rummaging around in the bathroom cabinets trying to find the source of the mould smell in the bathroom (we think it is the fucking ROOF OMG GREAT) and MPS text/texted/whatthefuckever and was all ‘awesome news! Friends coming in like 2 hours from England, HUZZAH!’ and I am all the world is ending.
Because the house was a mess and I was like 10 times worse.
So panic stations hit and I ran around, as much as my broken bitch arsed body would allow, and cleaned up and sprayed a fucktonne of dry shampoo over all my hairy bits and called it good enough.
And then MPS was all ‘Oops. It is tomorrow.’ And I didn’t kill him, because I couldn’t lift my arms.
What does this have to do with Beth being a witch? Cool your fucking jets, I am crafting a tale here.
Anywhoodle, after I sent MPS out for takeaway – cause no fucker was setting foot in that immaculate kitchen – I popped some of my new painkillers that the ol’ doc is prescribing me now that they are taking me seriously because I am not just ‘stressed’ or ‘silly’ or ‘a girl’.
And damn. Bitch was high as a kite. And had the hiccups.
They were hilarious.
Trish was all ‘wave your arms in the air and drink water at the same time’ which completely didn’t work and is impossible to do and then suggested DIGITAL RECTAL MASSAGE which was not helping either the giggling situation nor the hiccups. Trae was no help, just suggesting I follow the latter advice and snapchat that shit.
Then Beth wanders in with ‘Teaspoon white vinegar should fix it. But it might kill your guts?!!’ and by this point my hiccups are pretty damn bad and the Endone is starting to wear off and I am willing to try anything… so I hoist myself up off the couch and find me some white vinegar and FUCK ME DEAD THAT SHIT WORKED.
It seriously, for the love of Gah worked.
I could probably google that shit and the science machine behind it or whatever, but I am too busy googling reasons why I am going to die in the next 7 days, recipes I am never going to make and aspirational wheelchairs. So busy. So I choose to believe that Beth is a certified fucking witch and cured me with magic and spells and shit…
over the internet.
Magicked my fucking hiccups away.
So next time you have the hiccups, a spoon of white vinegar will fix that shit up and now I am waiting for Beth to fix all my other things. Otherwise, I got a bonfire waiting out the back…
Hurry up woman, I just printed out a recipe for an eighty layer cheesecake that I am not going to make but I need the energy to go to Bunnings to go and buy the wood to make the cabinet to put it in that I found on Pinterest.