Unlike his mother, Boo has expanded his diet of late.
He is not much of a breakfast eater, preferring to sleep in a little extra and have a bit of computer time so his breakfast is a container of Up N Go.
Literally the whole fucking thing. BOX AND ALL.
But not the straw. Yuck.
He is particularly fond of that squishy sticky shit that holds the plastic cover for the straw. He loves to roll it around in his fingers and then pop it in his mouth when he thinks I am not looking.
And then tear the box apart and surreptitiously shove that shit in his gob while I am trying to safely get his plastic/cardboard/squishy sticky shit nomming arse to school.
Most days I can wrestle the box away from him in time, or annoy him enough that he is too busy screaming at me that he doesn’t actually have the opportunity to eat it. And YES, I have entertained the thought of not letting him have the Up N Go for breakfast but if I take it away that will mean the child will eat nothing at all so swings and roundabouts my friends.
And anyway he gets to school and washes it all down with a motherfucking SPIDERWEB CHASER ANYWAY so OMG what?
Then my buddy started complaining of back pain and was using the facilities a little more often than I was comfortable with. So I whisked that kid off to the doctor and mentioned his love for the ol’ Up N Go – box N all and paper and woodchips and plastic and MOTHERFUCKING SPIDERWEBS and basically anyfuckingthing that he can shove in his mouth but my cooking and we walked out with a referral for an x-ray and a doctors request for Boo to please stop doing that shit.
By now I was rather sick and fucking tired of having to leave my couch for these appointments and All the Housewives of All The Places were not going to watch their own damn selves so I read Boo the riot act several times and the bastard child just rolled his ungrateful eyes at me and we rocked up to the hospital to get this x-ray.
I am pretty sure he was eating a tissue in the car on the way there. But I had to watch the ROAD.
The technicians were awesome and patient and Boo was a rockstar (even though his a plastic and paper nomming BUTTHEAD) and I was even able to have a good look at the x-rays.
‘See that there?’
I held my breath.
‘Looks like he is brewing a nice big fart’
Thankfully Boo has a bit of a blockage but nothing to be too concerned about. He needs to eat a LOT of fibre (ironic considering my restrictions) and is chugging down a glass of prune juice a day which he is HATING me for – and to be honest my nostrils aren’t to fucking pleased about either thankyouverymuch – and hopefully this might be a hard lesson for him to learn to eat food and not the containers they come in.
Never. Ever. Dull around here.