Some days I feel like getting a tshirt printed that says ‘YES, I still have all those things I told you about but I am sick of talking about it so can we just not?’
And perhaps alternate it with ‘Just because I am smiling doesn’t mean I am not going to vomit yesterdays dinner in your face any second now’
Unfortunately I am not one to wear slogan tshirts, so perhaps I should just settle for a sign that says STILL SICK to bash over the heads of people that assume that just because I am not crying I am apparently all fucking better now.
The hardest thing about joining the ‘chronically ill club’ is other people.
I KNOW!!!! I was fucking shocked by that too…
I thought it would be coming to terms with my illness/es (still haven’t) or dealing with all the shit that comes with it (still have no idea what I am doing) or modifying my lifestyle (fucking LOL) but in the end it is dealing with everyone else’s perceptions that is the hardest to deal with.
I bet lepers don’t have to deal with this shit. But then again they have bigger things to deal with, like where did they leave their ear… OMG I am sure I had it here a minute ago, Beryl.
Most of the time I just smile and nod and walk away because, meh. Who the fuck cares what they think but GAHDAMMIT I am weary my peeps.
So motherfucking weary.
It takes a lot of effort and energy to make myself look presentable to the world, to leave the house, to go to work, to smile and chat and exist and I WANT to do that. I really really want to.
I want a normal life.
But it comes at a cost. Constant pain and nausea, insomnia and bone crushing fatigue. My brain doesn’t function properly and I don’t remember things I used to. There is not a minute of the day that I don’t feel awful. But it IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE to smile and laugh and chat and exist while feeling like shit all the time. TRUE STORY. So for someone to insinuate that because I am wearing heels or makeup or how fucking dare I… laughing… I must be fine now is hurtful.
It is downright brutal.
I don’t want to whine all the time. At best peoples eyes glaze over when I mention I don’t feel well, at worst they roll them. For fucks sake *I* am sick to death of hearing about me being sick so how about we just establish the fact that I feel like shit all the damn time until I say otherwise? Yeah? Unless I say OMG I feel AWESOME today, lets just assume that I feel like I want to die but I am keeping on cause I have AT LEAST 20 wears out of my prettiest shoes and fuck knows I am too superficial to let them go to waste now aren’t I?
Jesus Christ on a bike knitting a sick bag guise, how do I get through to people that it is actually possible to be chronically ill and smile at the same fucking time?