Things are crazy busy here in MagnetoBold Land.
And when things get crazy busy here I tend to lose my words. Lets see if I can find some…
Centrelink are busting my chops cause Boo is so damn awesomely complex no one can find a nice little box to tick, so I am spending a lot of time on the phone and warming seats down there, commiserating with the staff when they look at me incredulously that I am even fucking THERE having to fill out more fucking forms, and that the government haven’t given me an order of Australia award for my contribution to Australia’s awesome quota.
I am just as shocked as them, I can assure you.
Then there is the kicking of arse of my lawn mowing guy, gently and tactfully because of course I have the only lawn care dude in the world that has lupus meaning he is allergic to the SUN, who kinda dropped off the face of the earth for 8 or 9 weeks causing my lawn to grow to jungle proportions and Boo to develop epic hayfever culminating in a week of SCREAM SNEEZING and hour long 2am showers. He finally turned up yesterday and promised to do another mow before Christmas. I told him 2am is fine cause Boo tends to shower then now anyway so we are up.
Fingers, toes and non vital organs crossed.
Boo is currently transitioning from junior school to senior school. Which is all fine and dandy but he is doing it at TWO SCHOOLS so in reality the kid is going to FOUR SCHOOLS AT ONCE. And to throw a fly in the ointment a massive swarm of angry wasps into a vat of black molasses no fucker knows what the fuck they are doing and no one is communicating with anyone and OMG LETS ADVERTISE THE AIDES JOBS RIGHT NOW TOO AND NOT TELL THE KIDS OR THE MOTHERS UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE!!!!!! So we have been doing transition for the last 2 months and I have been telling Boo for the last 2 months that the chicks working with him are the chicks working with him next year and then I find out YESTERDAY that they might not be working with him at all. OMG. And lets not even get started on the other school. Who called me 3 times yesterday to calm Boo down because he feels they are not treating him like an young adult and ‘according to the constitution’.
A constitution he has yet to supply me with a copy of to prove his allegations.
Which brings me to the next point. Apparently my blood pressure is 140/80. My normal bp is 90/60. My endocrinologist thinks that is fine. Hmmmm.
I would think that blood racing around my body quicker than normal would burn more calories though so that would negate the extra takeaway we are eating because we DON’T HAVE AN OVEN and haven’t had one fucking forever and I have a freezer full of oven cook only foods. Fucking arsehole oven fixer guys (we are on our third) failed to turn up yesterday and are not returning calls and have all my oven bits.
Arseholes. I need to therapy bake. CHRISTMAS WILL NOT BAKE ITSELF!
All my trees are not up. It is December 4 and I do not have all of my Christmas trees up. I am fucking devastated. There is more than most small nations have up for the festive season just in my lounge room, but I didn’t get it all up before the start of December and it doesn’t look like it will be all up before the weekend either and I am absolutely gutted.
Fucking lack of depth perception, humid weather fatigue and poorly timed gastro AND a motherfucking summer cold felled me. *shakes fist at sky*
Work is not something I want to talk about. Yeah. That bad. At least I get to take my cold and gastro to work to share.
But it is paying the bills SO YAY TEAM! And means I can buy Christmas presents for my children so I am so very blessed, pity Boo has decided all he wants from the Fat Dude is random collectors items that are impossible to find that he hasn’t even spoken of in years, and a Vidalia Slice- It* that was last advertised by the late Billy Mays in 2008.
Again with the motherfucking Billy Mays… fucker has been dead for years, it is impossible to get the shizzle he used to hawk. We lucked out last year.
Jesus wept. But he can, cause it is his birthday…
Do your kids ask for weird shit?
Is it just as fucking manic at your place?
Will you come and finish decorating my trees for me so I can nap?
LOOK! CHRISTMAS HEADERS ARE UP!
* If anyone can find me one of these fuckers I will… um… like… be really fucking happy and give you money. WHY IS THIS KID SO FUCKING WEIRD?!
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
My son is only three and doesn’t really understand this whole Christmas thing yet. If he could verbalize his wishes, it would probably be a huge combination of sweets and bulldozers.
Manic? Hell, yeah. My first thought when I saw the Billy Mays screenshot:
“Ugh, a slicer”. My dh (usually: darling husband; in this case: dumb human) bought a new slicer two weeks ago and managed to slice two fingers and cut off a piece of his right thumb. Including a fourth of his thumbnail, so the stitches were a little challenge for the surgeon. Considering that after opening the slicer’s box, my dh said to me: “Oh, those blades are REALLY sharp, you need to be careful!”, I can’t help but feel a good portion of Schadenfreude. I love this German word.
At least our junior was staying at his grandparents’, so he didn’t have to see the “Dexter”-ish bloodbath.
HOT DAMN!
And yeah, fucking awesome word.
I can see why your blood pressure’s up. And I’m surprised it’s not even higher.
What does Boo want with the Slice It? Is he planning on taking cooking duties off you?
He will just stand in front of it and flap his arms and yell at it I expect.
And then watch the Billy Mays clip and then, rinse, repeat.
Pretty much what he did last year with the Big City Slider Station. Makes him SO FUCKING HAPPY!
How about if I can find someone to come and decorate your trees and you can come up to me for a break and have a few massages and reflexology ? You could even use my oven while you are visiting – I wouldn’t stop you. In fact I have two ovens that you could use (I don’t use them very often so I hope they work OK !!)
I hope that the schools get their act together soon – and, if you want company at 2am, text me – I’m often awake at that time – not because anyone is showering but because I suck at sleeping.
Sending heaps of hugs your way
Me xox
Already there… seriously.
Can’t you hear me heavy breathing and stripping off at your door?
That massage oil better be fucking warm.
Tut tut – of course it’s warm – what else would it be ??????????? LOL I’m a professional !!
I’ve never even heard of a Vidalia Slice-it, but I shall henceforth to google and try to find you one.
As for your oven, find a trusted hitman and send him down there to camp out in the reception area until they come out and fix your oven. Make sure he is menacing enough to scare away all new potential business for them. And call A Current Affair, name and shame them.
Thank you for all your emails sweetie! I really appreciate your searching you are a rockstar!
I don’t understand why it takes 4 different guys to fix one motherfucking oven. A dude turned up today (ANOTHER ONE!) while MPS was home with Boo sick (again!) and apparently fixed it. I won’t get my hopes up. Will try something simple like oven fries or something before hiring the hitman.
My sister was the same. No convenient box to tick for her either. But all children must be pigeon-holed, dammit!
I’m escaping to the other side of the country for Christmas so my non-existent tree is still in it’s fictional box.
DAMN THOSE UNPIGEONHOLED PEOPLE!
Sounds rather awesome holiday wise, except for the tree. But I am pretty sure I am making up for you.
This? http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/VIDALIA-ONION-SLICE-IT-STAINLESS-STEEL-BLADES-/191437614197?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2c92922c75
yeah, but it has no box. And that is all he wants. And all he will be allowed to have because the child will EAT IT and it is full of DEATH.
oh no 🙁
I don’t fit any boxes either and had fun with trying to get anyone on this earth to understand my condition.
Is there anyway you can influence Boo’s list of Christmas presents? At least he isn’t screaming it in Japanese this time?
fitting in boxes is boring. Did you see what I got for my birthday? http://magnetoboldtoo.com/2014/03/21/so-yeah-i-totally-had-a-birthday-and-it-was-awesome/
It is a Dodecahedron. It represents my boy who is not a square peg in a round hole he is far more awesomely complex.
And yeah, you are SO RIGHT! At least I can understand this one!
This was at Overstock.com
http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/As-Seen-on-TV-Vidalia-Slice-It-Food-Slicer/6141600/product.html
All sort of gadgets.
Dang! Just saw it was out-of-stock… bastages!
Overstock is where I left a request to be informed when stocks are available again. I’m hoping to get one with Billy Mays on the box. For Boo.
{ 1 trackback }