I am currently being serenaded by Boo on the acoustic guitar – a mashup of Tribute by Tenacious D and Sweet Home Chicago by Robert Johnson* – while packing two bags.
One for Boo to go to an over night camp Saturday night that has a motherfucking bouncy house ROOM for adults, where he can bounce till his six foot 5, 100 kilo+ body screams uncle, while everyone else watches some boring old football game.
The other for me on Monday when I go and get me a septoplasty inferior turbinectomy, or in layman’s terms I am going to hospital to have a little nap and some dude is going to ferret around in my nose and hopefully fix it.
After extensive consultation with Dr Google I have come to the conclusion that either:
a. I was born like this (which is unlikely as MOTY dropped me off at the local hospital when I was 4 to get my adenoids out to stop me snoring – FAIL – so you would think they would have fixed it then)
b. Boo broke it when he smacked me in the face with a book. Twice. The second time because he enjoyed the deep pressure of the reflex action of being pushed quickly away when he smacked me fair in the fucking nose with an encyclopaedia**
c. I pick my nose too much. Yep. Totally confess. I am a chronic picker. I like shit clean. If I am not picking, I have one of those cotton swab things that you are not supposed to put in your ear that I TOTALLY LOVE PUTTING IN MY EARS up there. Who knew that would mean that I could end up with a nose like a chronic coke head?
d. Aliens. Could happen. Never rule that shit out.
Whatever the reason hopefully it means that I can breathe properly and MPS stops with the fucking whining about my snoring.
The surgery and camp has come at the most inconvenient time as MOTY and my dad have gone to Sydney to visit The Golden Child, Sister In Love and The Golden Spawn, so instead of running to the city for a dirty weekend we are stuck hanging around home*** and on Monday I have asked Maddie to come home and watch Boo while MPS takes me to hospital seeing our ratfucksonofabitch fucker of a respite worker is a not an option now****.
And then there is this little issue with me just shutting down at the most inconvenient times like in the middle of a phone call or a doctors appointment
or a blog post.
So not at all conducive to wandering around unfamiliar environments and getting our freak on.
It is all very fucking inconvenient.
Perhaps the aliens/Boo did me a favour. My house is getting a desperately needed once over and I will get a couple of weeks off work and a few days in bed.
And who knows ferreting around in my nose may reboot my brain.
Are you a picker?
A chronic ear cleaner?
Did you know that you are only supposed to put your fucking elbow in there?
*reason number I can’t even keep up why my kid is so fucking awesome. He made this mash up HIMSELF.
** before the internet we had these things called Encyclopedias that we looked up information in. It was AWFUL. They were really heavy and shit.
*** yes we could go away but I would spend the entire time fretting that if something did happen with Boo there is no back up person here to go and get him. So I wouldn’t relax. So MY FAULT ENTIRELY PUT DOWN YOUR PITCHFORKS AND EMAIL.
**** fucker just didn’t turn up. When we texted him with where the fuck are you? ‘Oh, I quit’ FMD I hate people.