I don’t know why, but every fucking month Aunt Flo takes me by surprise.
I mean I KNOW it is coming, and it is pretty damn regular (except for last month which I got it twice WHAT THE HELL, BODY?) and it is not as if it doesn’t give me clues.
Like the boulder sized pimple on my LIP – last month it was just under my fucking EYEBROW, TWICE. Nicely played Flo. Nicely fucking played. – or the bizarre sex dreams or the desperate need for protein.
Not related to the sex dreams. Eww.
Or the sudden weight gain.
Or the bloating.
OR THE FUCKING PAIN.
No, every damn month it takes me by surprise.
I am sitting there in the bathroom at work, wearing WHITE underpants thanking GAH that I wore a panty liner, and I am all ‘OH. THAT is why I dreamt we installed a sex swing in the loungeroom and it looked like Carlton from Real Housewives of Beverley Hills’ sex dungeon and I have a desperate need for a hamburger…’
Give or take multiple pregnancies and breastfeeding and the like and it has been over 20 years that this shit has been going on.
TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY TIMES that I have been sitting there going, ‘OH. Right. There is that then.’
Clearly it takes more than a month to teach this stupid bint anything.
Does your period sneak up on you every month?
Are you blessed with the dreaded hormonal zit and protein rages?
Are you a man and pretty damn happy that this post is over?