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I thought I was hardcore. Turns out I am just a really fucking slow learner

by Kelley

in proof yet again that I shouldn't be allowed on the internet unsupervised, that was stupid., Things that make you want to hide in a cupboard

Last night I was feeling all domestic and civilized and grown up and shit, so while I was making a FABULOUS dinner of deliciousness I cracked open a bottle of wine.

At 5pm.

I NEVER do that.  Wine is to be savored AFTER dinner and as a prelude to mummy and daddy time* not during the hell hour that is MPS going out to get takeaway while I fuck around on the internet meal prep time.

MISTAKE NUMBER ONE.

But as I mentioned above, I was feeling all grown up and shit and women in the movies crack open a bottle of wine while cooking nutritious meals for their loving family.

So clearly SO SHOULD I!

And I was hot and it was the only cold drink in the fridge.  I also chucked some ice in that motherfucker.

Like they do in the Real Housewives Of All of The Places.

MISTAKE NUMBER TWO AND THREE.

{the ice and the emulating stupid rich people}

Damn that went down well.  By the time dinner was ready I was pouring my third glass, but because it was full of ice it was totally like my FIRST glass.

This is the rationale in my head.  Stupid head.

And I was hot.

I continued to fill my glass alternating between delicious delicious wine and fabulously cold ice until it was pretty damn clear to everyone in the entire street and on the internet that I was rip roaringly drunk.

Pissed off my tits.

Fucking PLASTERED.

But, because I am clearly a moron, I kept drinking.

MISTAKE NUMBER FOUR.

Because I was hot.  And everything was just. so. fucking. funny.

By now MPS had rescued my laptop mouse from drowning in the footspa I was using to cool my feet and my friends had convinced me to NOT post tell all exposés of fellow bloggers for the shits and giggles and I had cracked open my second bottle.

And sent MPS out to get me some potato chips because I was DESPERATE for them.

MISTAKE NUMBER FIVE.

Now I should back up a little here and mention that I am on a medication for PCOS called Metformin.  Metformin DOES NOT TAKE TOO KINDLY TO ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION, nor does it look favorably on excessive carb inhalation and did I mention the fabulous dinner I cooked consisted of chicken, veggies and herbed potatoes?

OH and I had forgotten to take the damn meds for like a WEEK OR TWO and had been slowly increasing my dose over the last few days to get back on track.

So lets recap.  One and a half bottles of wine.  Potatoes for dinner AND for a snack.  A liver that has just gone ‘Oh no you DIDN’T.’

But alcohol doesn’t count on a TUESDAY night. Right?

I don’t remember much of what happened next…

Will and Grace was on the TV.  And there were 2 of them.  DOUBLE EPISODE!

I was marveling on my ability to spell PERFECTLY and carry on two conversations on twitter at the same time. {I am too scared to go back and check the validity of this statement}

Apparently there was a grass fire down the road.

I didn’t feel so good.

And I started vomiting…

…MASHED POTATOES.  Like the kind you find in a fancy arsed restaurant but they call it something fancy but you know they just pushed those fuckers through a sieve and – in this case – added some wine.

I woke this morning feeling like death warmed up and dragged backwards through a hedge by the Mack Truck that just hit me after I was thrown from a building soaking wet.

I don’t remember getting into bed.

I don’t remember anything past marveling at the consistency of my pureed potato vomit.

And realising what I had done.  Again.

Clearly I am a slow learner.

*watching movies above a PG rating get your mind out of the gutter where I met my husband.

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

1 SarahMac January 23, 2013 at 8:00 pm

You can put ice in wine!?! Now THIS I gotta try.

Reply

2 Kelley January 24, 2013 at 4:15 pm

it is fucking LETHAL.

It is so cold you can barely taste it so you chug that shit down like it is cordial.

Reply

3 Nicole McLachlan January 23, 2013 at 8:04 pm

And despite all that, you managed to punch out a blog post. You are a ROCK STAR!

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4 Michaela C January 23, 2013 at 8:05 pm

Oh hon. I have been there (although not with mashed potatoes with a nice vintage).

Mwahs.

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5 Melissa Mitchell January 23, 2013 at 8:33 pm

I’m kind of pissed that your friends talked you out of the expose. That sucks. I can forgive the ice on wine. If you tell me you drink good scotch neat. Mixers are a deal breaker.

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6 Melissa Mitchell January 23, 2013 at 8:34 pm

I will confess though that I’ve never seen ice put in wine. And that I wish I hadn’t been eating a raspberry yoghurt when I read about your wine-coloured pureed potato vomit.

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7 Two Point Five Kids January 23, 2013 at 8:55 pm

Oh that is pure GLORY. You have made my day with this post. Hands down funniest fucking read ever. Must share. And pour a wine. Stat.

Reply

8 Josefa @always Josefa January 23, 2013 at 9:02 pm

Oh my, funny, so very very funny
But what a price to pay!
Do I now stalk your twitter feed?
or hand you two pain killers instead?
How’s the throbbing – in your head?
Hope you feel better tomorrow xx

Reply

9 Marita January 23, 2013 at 9:26 pm

I’ve been working on the theory that Pepsi Max doesn’t count if I use heaps of ice, love that you went there with wine.

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10 Mrs Woog January 23, 2013 at 10:16 pm

Incidental drunkedness is ok. It s still school holidays. Xx

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11 Sarah A January 24, 2013 at 1:11 am

Oh, I totally get ice in wine. It’s always hot here…

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12 Veronicali January 24, 2013 at 9:57 am

Last time I chucked was after some off cider – who knew you had to keep cider refrigerated! doh! 😛 I believe the dog cleaned it up :/ and had herself a good night also.
I’m all about the excessive carb inhalation.

Reply

13 Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions January 24, 2013 at 12:37 pm

I wouldn’t survive a day without excessive carb inhalation. Some people drink. I inhale carbs. Like there’s no tomorrow. And I don’t drink wine because when I do the tomorrows are scarier than any amount of excessive carb inhalation can deal with! I prefer my poison fruity and with a lot of vodka.

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14 Veggie Mama January 24, 2013 at 12:42 pm

Hardcore, slow learner, whatever. You are fucking funny.

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15 tazer warrior princess January 24, 2013 at 3:29 pm

1. Ice in wine- brilliant
2. Wine- brilliant
3. That much wine? Not so smart.

But you made me laugh! Poor thing *hands over bloody mary and advil*

Reply

16 Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella January 24, 2013 at 4:10 pm

LOL now which Real Housewife is your favourite? From that description, Taylor Armstrong? 😛

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17 Kelley January 24, 2013 at 4:14 pm

oh HELL NO!

Here’s a hint ‘Life isn’t all diamonds and rosé, but it should be…’

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18 Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella January 24, 2013 at 4:30 pm

That’s a relief! She’s probably one of the few sane ones there!

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19 Insane Jane January 24, 2013 at 7:03 pm

Oh I did this a week ago. I feel your pain. Think I got so smashed I told dear husband I wanted to get divorced on the grounds that he wouldn’t drink with me. Am off wine, it doesn’t mix well with the anti-deps. I find if I have a beer, I am happy to have just one. If i have wine, I want to drink dry a winery.

Reply

20 The Accidental Housewife January 24, 2013 at 8:14 pm

Now it sounds like you drank the wine quickly enough that ice melt-age wasn’t an issue, and it sends like you could have used the extra hydration anyway…but have you ever frozen wine or grapes to use as wine-ice? Win!

Hope your head is ok tomorrow. I still think you’re hard corz!

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21 Kelly HTandT January 25, 2013 at 11:38 am

It’s ok if it’s not on purpose!

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22 meleah rebeccah January 25, 2013 at 12:56 pm

I still think you’re totally hard-core, even though you threw up. And also, I would totally LOVE to get drunk with you!

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23 Gina January 25, 2013 at 5:42 pm

Not everybody puts ice in their wine? It’s the only way I can drink it, although I’m not really a fan of reds, and ice only really works well with whites and roses, in my humble opinion.

And, you poor baby, I HATE vomiting so freaking much.

Reply

24 Karin January 26, 2013 at 1:24 am

This made my whole Friday! It was sort of like that time I drank a whole bottle of wine – but it was only 1 1/2 glasses since I poured it into a big plastic cup first. What? I’m very classy like that.

Reply

25 Bronnie January 27, 2013 at 4:52 pm

“It’s funny because it’s not me”. Homer Simpson. I’m all class…

Reply

26 Fiona January 29, 2013 at 10:01 am

SO done that 😀

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