That is what he said to me last week, snuggled up next to me in bed after I had a bad reaction to some meds.
‘But only when you are around’ he clarified.
Cause, well… duh.
He is so much bigger than me now but still so sweet and innocent.
A child and a teen.
A boy and a butthead.
So today, when I got the call from his teacher that he was not coping…
And he came on the phone, his voice full of emotion and catching…
Trying to find the words to tell me that he couldn’t find his words…
I was lost.
Standing there, in the toy aisle in front of the Power Rangers that Santa would bring, I tried to not break down.
I tried to keep my voice light and encouraging and assured him that I would be there to get him right on time.
And he said ‘I will try and find my words’
And hung up the phone.
Cause the conversation was finished and he sees no need for goodbyes and the like.
I spent the rest of the afternoon fretting. As I do. Till it was time to collect him.
As I saw my baby boy, all 6ft 2 of him, round the corner he looked so tired.
His face brightened as he saw me and my heart skipped a beat.
We talked about what happened on the drive home, I assured him that everyone has days like that and tomorrow will be better.
And then we went shopping.
And bought things that were totally not necessary.
And wandered through newly opened stores.
Just to cheer us up.
To forget about the trials and stresses of the day.
And then when he draped his arm over my shoulder, I was reminded of his worried face when he snuggled into me while I was laying in bed in the middle of the day…
And that phone call about losing his words…
I truly believe that he does love me.
And needs me.
And the feeling is mutual.
P.S. Now he is back to his normal self, not because we bought a new Nerf Gun with his leftover birthday money (or some Pear Cider for Mum) or that he is eating cold lasagne from the fridge like a freaking SANDWICH, but because he is full of cheek and wondering what is for dinner and making a mess and quoting random shit that he has seen on youtube.