I went into the bathroom and just inside the doorway there was a puff of smoke.
Well not smoke, sort of like smoke it reminded me of when they pull DNA out of test tubes after centrifuge or when Dumbledore pulls a memory out of that memory thing that I forgot what it was called but everyone needs one beside the bed to remember dreams and shopping lists and birthdays and shit.
I stood there and the smoke hung there in its whiteness and my mind was thinking gossamer and I don’t know why cause just the word conjours up such vivid memories of long flowing dresses and looking up to see faces looking down at me smiling.
I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife cause I guess you have to believe in a God, and to believe in a God means that everything happens for a reason and all that I know screams HOW can there be a lesson in a lot of the shit that goes down?
Lesson learnt, move along.
So I look in the mirror and I think about how I feel about the random particles that are hanging in the air behind me slightly to the right and my logical brain thinks it was a trick of the light or condensation because you are in a bathroom afterall Kelley…
As I slowly turn and really LOOK at the whiteness –like a cloud? – hip height in front of me it seems to dissipate and I am left sad and a little disappointed because my adult analytical mind has taken over and decided that it was, in fact, just some condensation hanging in the air from Boo’s shower before.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know Kelley… I do believe in God and all that happy crap, but even if I didn’t I think it would be pretty hard to discount that souls are so, ummm… viable, that SOMETHING must happen to them after life. I mean besides just disappearing into thin air as if they never were.
That’s what I think, anyway.
I didn’t believe in fuck all, until I woke up screaming and crying and shaking in my bed, after having a shockingly realistic dream that my mate had been shot in the hip in Afghanistan.
The thing is, he had. At that exact time. In the hip. He must have reached out to me somehow, we were pretty close. And if a primal scream from someone I love can reach me 10000 kms away, who knows what else is real?
Im still looking for answers.
So much shit going down, so many people to miss. I would be disappointed if – despite logic – your thoughts did not turn to them and yearn for reason from random events or gaseous molecules.
I’m just glad I have empirical evidence that there is a reason that we loved them: Boo and you <3
Oh that is quite a beautiful post Kelley …
Hi girl, I believe in God and I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen. Life is f*cked. God doesn’t micromanage us. God doesn’t have “a plan” for each of us. That would make God a torturer in some cases.
This is something I have struggled with, and I have found my answers in “open theism”. Hugs to you.
Very thought provoking. And, I miss my grandparents too. *HUGS*
Amazing post. Thanks for sharing.
Next time suspend your disbelief. Let yourself see what you see and feel what you feel. The analytical part of our brain has a lot to answer for….
Rational answer: we use less than 30% of our brain. Who knows what the remaining 70% can do? Who knows what tricks evolution is trying to move us towards?
10.000 years from now, when humans have evolved some more, we will be the Neanderthals. Maybe they will look at us in pity for not being able to talk to the dead, communicate without words, see auras and ghosts and what have we. Maybe not.
In the mean time, I agree with Dorothy.
“Oh? What part don’t you use?”
http://www.csicop.org/si/show/the_ten-percent_myth/
http://www.dbskeptic.com/2008/06/04/the-ten-percent-of-the-brain-myth-a-fractional-truth/
Sorry: I’m a skeptic, and I couldn’t resist. But you’re right – we may evolve to use our brains better ..
a Pensieve.
Love xx
alot exists within us that cannot be explained… it is situated inside yourself between where your greedy meglomaniac brain likes to rule with LOGIC….between each thought, is the possibilty to deep six and see unlimited possibilties beyond Rational thought.meditation touches on it…. just saying…possible.
Alot inside us? That would be terrible.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.au/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html
I’m speechless Kelley, your words are so beautiful. And there is nothingwrong with missing your grandparents and thinking for a moment that a wisp of gossamer is their souls come to see if you’re okay.
Gossamer is a wonderful word.
I like that dress/nightie you pictured there.
I think you can easily believe in an afterlife without necessarily believing in God. And even if you did believe in God, the all knowing entity might be a passive one with no interest over what happens to anyone. What falls between Atheism and Creationist God would be a chasm to vast for anyone to comprehend.
I have seen ghosts. More, than I choose to remember. Many more in childhood when my brain wasn’t telling me that it was impossible. When I was a child I went to see my grandfather and I saw my cousin with her partner there and I remember he looked like a ghost. All in shadow. All darkness. A hollow man. If anything there was just dark space where he should have been. Not long after he killed himself.
But I don’t believe in a Creationist God. I grew up in such a way that I don’t want to ever rely on anything but my own two hands to pull me up. But sometimes, the idea that there is something greater than myself, even if that something is just a moment of wonder at the night sky, is a good thing. And I allow it in, just a little bit. But in the morning I am still an agnostic and all I have is my two hands.
Well now anything I write will look crap next to Zoey’s. So, um, err, onomatopoeia.
I wrote once that post about that night I felt dad in the room with me, and it’s never happened again. This is a part relief, but also makes me wonder if I imagined the whole thing. But I don’t think I did. Moreover, there are moments that we need to hang on to, if only to differentiate the possibilities from the impossibilities. We often live too bunkered in reality to question what’s beyond our control, ‘there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy’ etc.
I believe in ghosts without believing in any of the God’s of popular religion. I don’t think anyone has all the answers but I think your instincts can answer some questions. I’ve had many experiences that logic does not allow.
I love this post.
Well written post Kelley-very thought provoking 🙂
God and me – well we aren’t exactly talking just now. But if I didn’t have the idea of an afterlife to hold on to, I don’t know how I’d cope….
Hugs.
You’ve captured something special here. A yearning perhaps? I believe in God and the unseen world because I’ve experienced things that mean I can’t not believe. Seeing pure darkness means that there must be light. I don’t think God and religion are the same thing though. And I don’t think God allows bad things to happen – like Wendy said, I don’t think he micromanages the world. But I do believe there is love with that light. I feel at peace. Anyway… I’m new to your blog so I shall not get too deep. I just really wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your thoughts on this.
I’m with Dorothy & Toushka (& Veggie Mama)
I’ve seen, heard & mainly felt ghosts all my life, I do believe in an afterlife & I’m not sold on the major gods or religions.
A lot of shit happens in this world that we don’t see, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there. How lucky are you that you had a little glimpse?
Beautiful post. I thought you where going to bust someone for smoking!
x
I strongly hold on to the belief that our death is just the beginning of another life, and that all our questions will be answered once we arrive wherever death takes us.
Some things definitely happen for a reason, but some are just random hiccups of the universe. Or Murphy’s Law.
Lovely post, Kelley. Also, that’s a cracking good dress.
Trouble with the afterlife idea is that Tom Cruise will get one too. As will Tony Abbott and every other fucker you can’t stand. We’re all made of atoms formed in the earliest stars, and these atoms will be recycled when we’re dead. But who know where they end up? Could be in a cloud of mist in your bathroom. Life is wonderful, enjoy every minute.