I didn’t go to ante natal classes.
Well we went a few times but they were full of OLD PEOPLE with their judgey eyes especially when MPS had to work and my mother came with me.
And WHAT THE FUCK there was no ‘breathe, breathe’ and the huffing and puffing like in the movies it was all ‘do what your body wants’ and ‘you can lie on this bean bag or in the water of a bath if it feels good for you’ which 19 year old me felt was especially gross cause OMG baby ick all over me?
I got all I needed to know about pregnancy from a TV movie I watched in the eighties called ‘Sidney Shorr: A girls best friend’ with Tony Randall which I watched a billion times when I was nine.
So to me, pregnancy consisted of Long White Socks worn with over sized jumpers, eating whatever the fuck you wanted and panting and lamaze.
In reality it was gaining 30 kilos and wrapping myself around the gas bottle cylinder only letting go when they needed to refill it.
Today, however, I put that shit to good use.
I woke with a bit of a stomach ache. A continuation of the motherfucking bitch of a stomach ache I had had for the last couple of days.
My body found a solution and I felt a little better until I was halfway to Boo’s school.
Boo’s school that is over an hour round trip.
OMG so many bumps in the road.
OMG the bowels of hell had taken residence in my midsection.
Breathe through it Kelley… breathe FOR THE LOVE OF THE SEAT COVERS AND YOUR AWESOME BUT UNWISE CHOICE TODAY OF ALL DAYS BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED SKIRT, BREATHE!!!!!
It came in waves. Waves of pain and nausea and the almost irresistible urge to push.
Of course I hit every pot hole in the southern hemisphere as well as every fucking light turned red.
I was breaking into a sweat and breathing hard, not making eye contact with any of the other drivers lest they think I am in labour and stop to help me out.
I finally made it home, thankful for my breathing education from crappy TV movies and the rest I shall leave to your imagination.
In a few hours I have to go and pick Boo up.
I may wear a plastic bag.
Pray for me.