You know when you wake up in the morning and your head is all ‘nope, not a good idea’ but you get up anyway and put on a pretty orange flowy skirt and cute turquoise shoes and try to ignore the voice in your head and the head in the mirror that now sports BLACK hair
instead of the lovely golden brown that was motherfucking promised on the motherfucking box?
You really shouldn’t do that.
Cause if you do you will have a day like mine.
Firstly there was the aforementioned black hair.
Then Boo wouldn’t put his shoes on and I was all OMG WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE OMG OMG OMG.
And then the bonnet of the car rose WHILE I WAS DOING 100K ON THE HIGHWAY. So we had to pull over so MPS could close it.
Which in turn freaked Boo out who then decided to OPEN THE CAR DOOR once I hit 100k’s causing both MPS and I to freak the fuck out and scream which Boo thought was awfully funny and was all ‘meh’ when I calmed down enough to tell him that he could DIE.
Then the car overheated.
And it ran out of oil.
And I couldn’t cry cause I didn’t have any tissues and I would ruin my makeup.
Which looked like shit cause I NOW HAVE BLACK HAIR and I don’t know how to do makeup for black hair and green eyes…
I really should check my teeth for lipstick before I go out…
While the car was getting fixed I couldn’t tweet or check my email cause for some unknown reason my phone wouldn’t work.
Then I finally got home 2 hours later I could only get the wifi to work sporadically.
So I went to make a well deserved coffee…
And I was too scared to drive anywhere to get some.
So I decided to sit down and paint my nails and watch me some Real Housewives so I could feel better about myself because I can move my face.
Shutup… it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you see the specks of black hair dye on my hands and nails? Fabulous.
Then it was time to go to a meeting with Boo’s schools and they were all ‘Boo is awesome’ and ‘he is so artistic and clever’ and I was in agreement and then the conversation turned to ‘he is coping so well and doesn’t need as much support’ and I was all ‘OMG HELLZ TO THE NO BACK UP BITCHES THIS IS NOT HAPPENING’ and of course it was a billion degrees in there and I was sweating like a boogie boarder in Denpasar airport trying to concentrate while everyone was talking over each other and I just wanted to go home.
And that is when Boo wandered in demanding to go home and I knew that it was all about to go to hell in a handbasket.
Cue 30 minutes of him screaming and me talking calmly while he was losing his shit cause he now DIDN’T want to leave and everyone was all ‘you have to leave now Boo’ and I was trying to get them to shut the fuck up so I could deal with this CHILD WHO IS OBVIOUSLY IN NEED OF MOTHERFUCKING SUPPORT OH MAH GOD.
I finally got him in the car where he calmed down by blasting the airconditioner on his face and I released some tension – while watching the temperature gauge as much as the road – singing Tainted Love at the top of my lungs.
Stupidly I thought it was all over for the day.
Once we got in the driveway Boo took off.
Running down the street screaming that he was going to call the police because I didn’t do as he said.
When I finally got him inside I sat down.
With no coffee.
No medicinal hot salty fries.
And then I found a mole with a big black hair on my leg.
I should have stayed in bed.
Please tell me that it was just a fucked up day and tomorrow is going to be better…
And the car fairy is will be dropping off a new car for me any day now.