Today is the 22nd anniversary of when MPS and I hooked up. So to celebrate I have a post that I found in my drafts.
Happy Anniversary MPS, you better have something special planned for tonight…
Cause this is totally a how to blog, I thought I would give you all some tips and tricks on how to keep your husband coming home each and every night. And not just because you don’t let him have access to any bank accounts or the car.
Keep a clean house: Even though you work elevently hundred hours longer than him in and outside the home, and you have three other people that you housed and then pushed out your hoo-ha to get organised and all he has to do before he leaves for work is to shit shave and shower, make sure that there is a space clear of clean washing, toys, chocolate wrappers and various craft materials that you have been collecting cause one day you will actually be a crafty woman who knits her own tampons, for him to sit.
Hallways are good. And his arse on the floor may wipe up some of the dust.
When he arrives home: Don’t greet him at the door with a list of complaints about your day. It is best to seethe quietly and throw dark looks in his direction before you throw the car keys at his head and tell him to go and pick up some KFC and a large bottle of tequila.
Wearing a tshirt that says ‘Look at me and die’
Weekends are a time of rest: Allow your man to sleep in on the weekends. Afterall, he has been working hard all week while you have been having a great old time cleaning skid marks off underwear, tackling the arsehats at the supermarket/work/kids school/randoms walking down the street or breathing your air. Make yourself a nice cup of coffee while you soak your feet in ice water. Then climb into bed and place your icy cold feet on his testicles.
And because weekends are all about family fun, let the kids watch Daddy peel himself off the ceiling.
Ensure you look presentable when he gets home: This means putting your bra back on after the pool boy leaves. Cause husbands get rather confused on why you have a pool boy when all you have is a small bucket of rain water in the garden. Distract him with your distractoboobies.
Write notes to place in his briefcase to show you care: Notes like ‘we are out of chocolate, do you have a death wish?’ ‘my period is due in 2 days, wear extra padding’ ‘I saw you checking out the chick on the morning show, you might want to try sleeping with one eye open tonight’ and ‘buy milk, those lattes aren’t gunna make themselves’
Keep yourself fresh and fun, like the girl he fell in love with: This includes re-inacting when you met by getting maggoted with your girlfriends and holding back her hair while she vomits in the gutter, mosh pits in the kitchen with his now teenaged daughters, and slap his arse occasionally so he thinks he has still got it. When in reality you are just releasing some frustration and restraining from punching him in the neck cause it leaves bruises.