I have never had a desire to go to Sydney.
Never even entered my mind that I would travel to that city.
Let alone ON MY OWN.
But last week I jumped in the car for the three hour trip to the airport with a bag filled the the brim with pretty much everything hanging in my wardrobe, in my bathroom cabinets and NINE pairs of shoes.
I kissed my sick Boo goodbye, he told me that I better be good, a checked for the four billionth time whether I had my boarding pass and we were travelling down the highway.
MPS the whole time suggesting I take a valium to CALM THE FUCK DOWN KELLEY.
We got to the airport and I pretty much lost mah shit.
Those motherfucking planes are big.
We sat down for coffee so I could be SMART and take a Valium with a fucking stimulant and with eyes bugging and ready to jump out of my head we headed for the place thingy where you go to get on that huge thing out the window.
OF COURSE I had to unpack my bag to get out my laptop and various other paraphernalia before I was allowed through the metal detector, breathing a sigh of relief as I passed through without setting off the alarms like I ALWAYS do at the supermarket.
Behind me I heard the alarms going off. It was MPS.
As he was taking off his belt and going back and forth through the machine and then practically stripping off, a booming voice behind me said ‘please come with me maam’
Fucker called me MAAM.
Ordering my walking frame tomorrow.
I turned and I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD Dolph Lundgren was beckoning me over to him.
I shit you not. I am pretty sure he was wearing this uniform too.
So there I am being CHECKED FOR MOTHERFUCKING EXPLOSIVES by a heavily accented dude waiving what looked like an ultrasound wand that they insert INSIDE YOUR BODY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN inside my bags and then BETWEEN MY LEGS while my husband was stripping naked and the valium hadn’t kicked in yet.
But the coffee had.
So not only were my eyes bugging out of my head, I had a fucking eyetwitch AND my chin was doing this weird twitching thing.
No wonder he thought I was a terrorist.
I wouldn’t have trusted me either.
So I finally got on the plane and made the mistake of asking my seat mate to talk to me during take off.
Bitch didn’t even draw breath, I am pretty sure that she had air gills or something cause OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Even extreme turbulence didn’t faze her, and she opened her bag to show me her leadlighting.
I left my TWEEZERS at home scared that I would be arrested and here this chick was with glass and a fucking evil looking soldering iron.
Once we landed I was so very grateful that my girl Wendy – who I have known for YEARS from way back in the Yahoo Group days – was there waiting to pick me up.
And THAT is when the Valium kicked in.
We spent a lovely afternoon wandering around bookstores and having coffee and giggling like school girls and then she dropped me at my brothers house after his four hundredth panicked text about where the hell was I?
WENDY YOU FUCKING ROCK.
My brother and sister in love took me out to a lovely restaurant up the road from them (ahhhhh, city living… oh how I miss you) and then on the way home we were entertained by the street being cordoned off by police after a stabbing.
Ah, dinner AND a show.
The next day sister in love and I went out for manicures and then, in the middle of the supermarket – in front of the DELI COUNTER to be exact – I confessed to her why I was in Sydney.
I was NOT there for an Autism mums retreat.
I was speaking at a conference.
About the internet.
She was so nice, she was so sweet, she was SO DAMN CUTE WITH THAT PREGNANT BELLY HOLDING MY NEPHEW I could not lie to her anymore.
And now I am hoping like fuck that she hasn’t googled me and found this thing.
Cause I am pretty sure that she won’t be gifting me with any more of these…
Adriano Zumbo biatches. Fucking AWESOME.
… once she has discovered my secret life as a blogger.
Or as Dooce would say, a WEBSITE AUTHOR.
I will get to the conference post soon. I live in the middle of BUMFUCK NOWHERE remember and I don’t get out much.
And don’t forget to email me your tattoos and blog links so I can showcase your awesomeness.