So we live in the country but we live in town so technically it is like living in the city but we can see the stars at night and hear the neighbour fart in his bathroom.
The best and worst.
Today I bleached the kitchen sink and then got all the motherfucker stains off the kitchen cabinets and then went and removed the shit and toothpaste off the walls of the bathroom and the hallway and then was all I NEED A BREAK!
So I wandered outside with my Kindle (OMG I LOVE YOU BABY!) and heard the back neighbour talking to the guy over his fence whose property kinda sorta meets up at a t-intersection with our place.
Here is a picture.
And at that very junction there is a mess of weeds in the back neighbours garden (fucker) and a lemon tree on the guy over his fence whose property kinda sorta meets up at a t-intersection with our place (HUZZAH!)
Another fabulous diagram. You should totally get me to design your website.
Now I love me some lemon. OMG lemon anything and I am all over it.
And technically the tree sorta kinda hangs over our fence and the guy NEVER removes them and they all go to waste and rot on the ground so technically we are doing a community service by using the lemons.
Even if it means MPS has to kinda sorta lean really far over the fence while balancing on an old firetruck cubbyhouse to get at them.
We are like GARDENING FOR HIM.
He should be all ‘thanks guys!’ and we would be all ‘you are welcome but keep the fuck away from my lemon slice’
I got outside and sat down and heard ‘ do you know those people over there?’ and I looked up and the fucker was pointing over in my general direction and then there was something about lemons and I raced back inside.
Cause I am too delicate to go jail for lemon thievery or lemoncide or whatever the cops charge you with for aiding and abetting the removal of lemons that would have just gone to waste (instead of in cookies that went straight to my waist)
(see what I did there?)
(I am so clever)
(but CLEARLY not clever enough to steal lemons without getting caught)
Where was I?
Oh yeah, I hightailed it inside and then Boo picked that EXACT MOMENT to lose his shit about WHATTHEFUCKEVER and started screaming at me to go back outside GO BACK OUTSIDE MUMMY DO IT NOW DO IT NOW DO IT NOW!
And I was all shhhhhhh!
Which is the worst possible thing to say to Boo…
And as he was working himself up to full blown panic mode requiring full body armour ear plugs, I was all well… shit.
Of course the screaming did NOT go unnoticed by the now very startled neighbours who had realised that I heard the exchange and ran back inside to avoid the confrontation.
Or hide the evidence.
Or make lemon margaritas.
So to placate Boo, and to stop him losing his mind and in turn MINE, I let him lock me in the bathroom.
And he was all ‘THERE!’ and walked away whistling and rubbing his hands together.
So I did my makeup. Cause I wanna look good for the mug shot.
It has been an hour and they are still out there.
It is like they are waiting me out.
I should go out there with a water pistol
full of lemon juice.
So tell me, my lovelies, is it OK to acquire lemons from a tree that is TECHNICALLY not grown on your property but would go to waste anyway?
And is it trespass if you are only leaning into a property to steal their lemons?
And I only have 3 lemons left – slice or cookies?