The chick that clearly gets her list in far too late or is sending it to the wrong damn place or some shit cause you never EVER bring me what I want even when I was five and made it abundantly clear that I did not fucking want underwear and batteries and all that other shit you wrapped INDIVIDUALLY and placed under my tree that was OBVIOUSLY not a damn bike.
Seriously Santa, seriously?
Anyway. I thought I would get in UBER early and let you know a few things that would make me a tad less surly and a little more… not surly.
But I kinda got a little bit, well distracted, with all the fuckers fucking with me and The Grinch taking up permanent residence in my head and the OMG I AM GOING TO MAKE AWESOME PRESENTS FOR EVERYONE!!1! and only now I am able to get this list to you.
And don’t you be trying to pull a swifty with the cheap one and spending the difference on fucking orphans or something. This is the one I want. Don’t be cheap.
I mean I COULD be greedy and be all ‘YOU MUST get me an iPad’ and even though I clearly deserve one I will settle for the Kindle.
Cause my birthday is coming up and all…
In four months… whatever.
But as I am painfully aware, because the radio keeps screaming at me, there are only 4 more shopping days till Christmas and the likelihood of you being able to actually obtain a kindle at such short notice is pretty slim I will settle for any one of the following:
Chocolate. Good shit. See above about the fucking orphans.
Two or three nights away in a flash hotel with a big bath, balcony, room service, luxury king sized bed, cable tv with a HUGE television that can be seen from the bed and a cafe that serves take away AWESOME coffee. I don’t care where, I am trying to make this EASY for you Santa. Because I am all about the giving.
That thing that has been destroying killing bothering me to miraculously resolve itself. Cause you are magic Santa. I know cause you *spoiler alert* made Artie on Glee walk again.
The winning lottery ticket. Around a million dollars should do it. As I said before, I am not greedy…
Cause Christmas is just not Christmas without cheese and bacon balls.
Ommmm nommm nommm
Love and maybe a little extra *wink*