It is time.
You have been there for me during the good times and the bad.
Held me up when I was crumbling.
Celebrated with me when I felt on top of the world.
But we both know you are no good for me. The price I pay is far too high.
How I loved you. And still crave your caress.
You never let me down, always there when I needed you. Waiting.
My guilty pleasure. My dirty secret. Only those in the inner circle knew about you.
Sneaking around like a school girl. Not wanting to be tarred with that brush. Heh.
But now, as I say goodbye, I am telling the world.
I know. I was ashamed of you and now proud as I cast you aside.
But you are killing me.
And it took me laying on a bed in the Emergency Department too scared to fall asleep, lest I die without kissing my children goodbye, to say no more.
(I would have posted a picture of the final packet, but it was given away over a week ago.)
I was what is referred to a light smoker. But as they say every single one is doing damage. This may not have caused my stroke but is a HUGE risk factor and not a risk I am willing to take anymore.
We all have our excuses and reasons for doing things that we know we shouldn’t. I have a million of them. I know many of you, closet smokers like me (don’t worry I ain’t gunna out you, I would have fucking KILLED YOU if you did to me), do too. It was my reward, my escape. I did it away from the children, only at home or out the back at work solving the worlds problems. It relaxed me. Better than snacking. Or killing my children. Going outside to calm down.
Slowly increasing my risk of death.
I have noticed the benefits already, not just financially. No more changing clothes, washing hands and brushing teeth obsessively. The mints tin is constantly full, not needing to be replenished.
Today has been my hardest day. Today I craved my escape, my break, my time away from the world in the corner of the yard. Eventually I will find something to replace it. For now I need to be strong.
Because the alternative? I still can’t put that into words.
Still, this made me laugh.
…and now I hit publish, airing my dirty knickers for the world to see.
(BTW, back to work tomorrow after SIX WEEKS. And I have to wear fucking flats. No heels for the wobbly wonky sided girl)