So I went back to the doctors today.
Not to see Natasha, darlink, cause she is in witness protection jail not in this week. My Twitter bitches know all about that with my constant twitters ending in #ratfucksonofabitch. I saw someone new. Who didn’t resemble a cartoon character or former president.
But his name was a deli meat. So there is that.
He was all ‘Hi, how are you’
And I was all ‘fine and dandy thanks fuck-knuckle‘
And then he looked at my file and got this look on his face. Kinda like the look I had in the waiting room when I saw this woman wander out with her pants split up the crotch. A mixture of horror and sympathy.
Which is not a good thing to see on the face of a doctor who is apparently a mental health specialist too.
You would think that Lady Ga Ga would be singing his theme song, right?
‘So, have you seen the surgeon yet?’
‘Nope. Natasha Darlink was supposed to call to hurry him the fuck up. Cause HELLO??? See this swollen fucking appendage? I am pretty sure that it is impossible to gain weight in one arm yo.’
Or words to that effect.
He calls the surgeon. And, I am totally not shitting you, he is all ‘I have Kelley here and she is in excruciating pain and needs to be seen ASAP’
And he totally said Ay Sap. Which bugs the ever living shit out of me, but I will give him a pass cause the dude called the surgeon and gave me more drugs.
Apparently these particular drugs are not actually used for my particular injury, they are using them off label, and they are not on the PBS. So if I was to buy them they would cost me an arm and a leg.
Which is sorta a mute point cause if I gave them an arm and a leg I would be totally handing over the fucked up arm and the leg with the most cellulite and this weird fucking vein thing that apparently no one other than me can see, which I am convinced is probably an alien implant. And I wouldn’t need their stinking drugs.
But I may need a chair. Or to learn how to hop without giggling or without spilling my latte.
After the seeing the doctor I went and got a coffee and half a dozen chocolate chip hot crossed (or is it just cross? And while I am on the tangent, are they supposed to look like the cross? You know the one that they nailed dudes to? These buns had an X on them and if they were nailing dudes to crosses like that, one stiff breeze and that shit would roll down the hill and the dude would be all ‘whoa! Knarly dude’ and people would be paying money to go on that thrill ride donchathink? Yeah, me too) buns and came home to watch the whole of season 3 or 4 of The Hills.
It is OK though, the calories consumed from the thrill ride buns were cancelled out with the weight of the brain cells I lost watching Heidi sit in front of a mirror putting on lip gloss and Whitney take 45 minutes to string a sentence together.
My arse is numb from all the sitting.
I wonder if this post makes any sense at all.
Yes, I did have a nap in the middle of it.
Holy mother of God my house is a mess.
No outfit looks good with a sling.
And before I face plant the pillow I am sending MPS out to hire me some DVD’s, any suggestions? What about online shows? Help me peeps, I am losing my freaking mind here.
Or it could be the alien implant.