I have the hypochondria gene, well that is what my husband thinks, but I am more in the overly cautious a mouth ulcer is gum cancer and OMG what am I going to do with all of my lipstick if I have no damn lips camp.
Which is TOTALLY rational.
So today I decided to google ‘owwy owwy arm hurty symptoms that will kill me’ and discovered that I have the Marburg.
And that our house must have been broken into by ninja monkeys spreading their infectiousness.
I mean, to quote Prince and my girl White Trash Mom, dig if you will the symptoms:
fever – check
chills – uh huh
headache – holy shit yes!
Myalgia – WTF?
Oh My Freaking Gawd. I was bitching all week about being hot, thinking that it was because of the heatwave of the century with most days over 44C and half the state on FIRE but all along it was the monkey virus setting up camp. Then there was that time when I was having an ice cold shower to cool down from the fee-vah and I like, shivered.
Oh yeah. I have the Marburg people.
Then the whole headache thing. I was all ‘wow this headache is bad must be caffeine withdrawl cause it is too hot (see FEVER! FEVER stopped me from drinking my 8 buckets-o-latte!) or from the lack of sleep’ when all along I was multiplying another species in my small intestine.
And sweet mother of God what the FUCK is Myalgia. Sounds deadly. And totally someone with that shit should not be cleaning toilets or vacuuming or doing the grocery shopping. They should be sitting down on their laptop with minions bringing them chocolate brownie icecream that is in the small freezer, second shelf. Don’t forget a spoon.
OK. Stop panicking. Myalgia is ‘muscle pain’ hence the ‘owwy owwy arm hurty symptoms that will kill me’ google search that led me to my medical practitioner WrongDiagnosis.com. Because who can be bothered making a doctors appointment when I know that the fucker would have no idea about Marburg virus and I would have to educate him and explain it to him slowly how Dr Google knows more than his stoopid head medical school, such a bore, when I could be freaking the fuck out in the comfort of my own home watching Oprah and where is the damn spoon to go with my icecream?
Sheesh. No one cares about the sufferers anymore.
And now I am angry. Cause where is my support group? I see no ‘sufferers and survivors of Marburg Virus’ support groups on Yahoo and Google and what the hell? Am I supposed to go through this alone?
The more I read the more freaked out I become, because Orchitis sounds very damn uncomfortable and I don’t do uncomfortable well.
But I am very very skilled at victim of rare exotic disease. With all the sighing and grimacing and ‘oh, I am OK, don’t worry about me and my rare exotic disease that needs chocolate brownie icecream that is in the small freezer, second shelf, don’t forget the spoon…’ THAT shit I have down.
Oh and did I mention that my Achilles heel is all ouchy? On both feet.
I think that Marburg shit is spreading.
Holy shit! Dr Google now tells me that not only do I have the Marburg virus I have African Sleeping Sickness and a freaking yeast infection as well.
Send more icecream. And some yogurt.
**** Apparently Orchitis is inflamed testicles. So either I am a hermaphrodite or MPS is gunna start bitching and moaning some time soon. I am sure that is treated with the aforementioned chocolate icecream.
**** Apparently the Marbug virus, while being also known as Green Monkey virus is also spread by bats. BATS! I blame those fucking Damn Emos and their vampire Edward loving ways inviting freaking virus ridden vampires into our home. Bitches.
**** Apparently, some people believe I just have a sore fucking arm and I should stop whining. And to those people bringing this shit to my attention I say bite me, and bring me some chocolate brownie icecream. Don’t worry about the spoon, I will just lick it out of the tub.
Edited to add:
Apparently the Dalai Lama has Marburg too.
I am thinking it might be a terrorist attack.