Poor Martha Stewart.
You gotta feel sorry for the biatch.
You know with being fucking BLITZED by the awesomeness of this Aussie baking goddess.
And then there is poor Nigella. She is all ‘that damn Kelley is waaaay hotter than me.’
Sucks to be you Nigella.
On Saturday before the blog blowing up fiasco, I promised a blow by blow (*snigger* I said blow) Magnetoboldtoo style tutorial. But then The Damn Emo went to the city and took the damn camera and I was all ’tis cool I will just take pics with my mobile phone and then put some black hair on her pillow and scare the fucking crap out of her thinking that the chick from The Grudge is hiding under her bed. Again’ but my phone needed charging so I was all fuck it and baked anyway.
So I only have a few pics of my epic awesomeness to share with you.
And a tip.
When baking with eggs, always crack them individually into a glass or mug just in case one of them is fertilized and instead of having a light fluffy cake or awesome creamy cookies you have bones and blood and feathers and shit and you have to vomit in the mixture cause it is bones and blood and feathers and shit and OMG a DEAD BABY CHICKEN and you are a murderer who vomits on her victims…
And when doing so, do NOT place the mug of clean fresh no bone/blood/feathers/shit eggs next to your cup o latte. Cause raw egg is nasty and doubly nasty when you think you are drinking latte.
And that vanilla there? You can totally get drunk on that shit and have your breath smell like vanilla milkshake. Not that I know anything about that. Officer.
So here are the finished products. I have pics of the process
but I won’t bore you, might post them on the party blog in the New Year with the recipes. lucky me. I can, like, show my grandchildren what baking was in the olden days, before you could just think of a food and have it directly applied to your thighs. And then think again and have it sucked off.
*snigger* I said sucked off…
Dark, milk and white chocolate truffles on the Christmas Dinner Set Of Awesome.
Support staff presents. AKA people I suck up to to get in on the goss before everyone else.
But I only suck up a little (*snigger* suck…) cause the majority of the awesomeness that makes Martha weep and Nigella crush on me big time, is saved for the teacher and aide.
Cause Boo has them again next year.
And they need to keep up their strength.
Icing those shortbread nearly fucking killed me. My arm is still hurting. Or it could be from all that high fiving myself. Whatevz.
Don’t forget to collate your Christmas Crazy for December 20. It will be AWESOME. Cause I still have MORE of my madness to share. And it may or may not include cookies. And alcohol. For more details click here.
Enjoy. I am off to bed. To dream of dead baby chicken zombies. Wearing Santa hats.