Boo doesn’t want a Birthday Cake.
Those of you that have known me for a while will know I am all about the birthday cake. And just in the last week I have discovered fondant.
And my heart sang. Cause dude, that shit is GLUTEN FREE and MILK FREE and fuck me dead has no artificial shit in it.
All these years I have been struggling with your basic icing shit, piping and smoothing, decorating cakes that have taken me MONTHS (OK, hours) to make when I could have just rolled out that shit and cut it? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Next… fuck THIS week, is mammoth birthday week. Starting with my Daddy on Thursday, Moo on Sunday and Boo on Monday. And I had all the cakes planned baby.
Dad tells me he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday this year (the whole dead father thing, whose birthday is… oh FUCK, the same day as Boo’s party. Shoot me.) but Godammit I already had his cake planned.
OK. I can deal. *sob*
Then Moo is all ‘I don’t want to spend my birthday with you freakshows, I am going to a concert in the city and BTW I need you to drive me to the train station at 6am Sunday morning’
What? No waking you up with Marilyn Monroe’s version of Happy Birthday? No special breakfast? WHAT? No fucking CAKE!!!
*rock rock rock*
I was sitting on the couch with my Boo, trying to explain that he cannot grow shorter and no, the Jews are not partial to Christmas trees, and dude, I don’t know how to say hot dog in Hebrew, when he announced he didn’t want a birthday cake.
I was all ‘WTF?’ and threw a million ideas his way. All his favourite things in cake form. Hell, even cupcakes dude. Just let me stay up all night making you a freaking cake! Pleeeeeeeeeease!
Boo does not care for the Happy Birthday song. To say that is an understatement. Just the sight of a group of people surrounding a cake with candles sends him into a tail spin. We leave birthday parties before cake. I mean it is not as if he can eat the fucker anyway…
Let me paint a scene of how much Boo despises the off key celebration of the birthday recipient. Too’s birthday party. 20 odd kids, half of which had not met the awesomeness that is Boo. They start singing. Too has a look of utter terror on her face. Boo comes flying into the room hysterically screaming, making a bee line to destroy the cake that is causing the singing. I tackle him to the ground while he screams and punches and kicks and fucking BITES me.
‘Just finish the song for Gods sake’ I mutter through clenched teeth while taking a punch to the eye for the cause.
Cause, dammit, he doesn’t like the song but you don’t even wanna KNOW what would happen if you didn’t finish the fucking thing.
So the group of terrified tweens finish the song and slink outside. Too with her face burning comes over where Boo is starting to calm down. I start to apologise to her. She leans over and whispers to Boo…
‘Are you OK mate?’ and gave him a hug.
And my heart swelled with pride and pain. Much worse than any freaking kidney punch could do. But dammit I was sore for a couple of days.
So, yeah, no Birthday song. But we always have cake! Pappa’s cake on the 23rd. Home party cake on 26th and 27th and then bigger cakes the following weekends for their parties.
But no-one wants a cake now. And I have all this fondant. And piping guns and mats and cutters and new cake pans and OMG it is so NOT FAIR!
I am gunna make myself a damn cake. And it will be fucking awesome.
Pity I don’t like cake.