What is with people? I mean really. Fuck me dead they irritate me.
When you pass someone in the hall and say ‘Hi how are ya!’ it is meant as a greeting. Not a fucking invitation to dump all your sorry arsed woes on my fabulously shoed self.
Imagine me, at work, fabulously fabulousing.
I get up from my desk, to pop into the photocopy room. I pass idiot-number-1 on my way.
‘Hi, how are ya’ I casually fling in their direction while powering to the photocopy room, a million and one things going through my brain. Cause I am a woman and I can do shit like that.
‘Well…’ starts the fucker and follows me into the photocopy room to offload their issues with someone or something or whatever, I am not freaking listening you idiot. I am photocopying and writing a shopping list and an email in my head, and wondering if I should change a sentence in the document I am writing and admiring my shoes. Your silly little issues do not interest me.
I finally shake idiot-number-1 and get back to my desk. Coffee bitches phone rings. I group pick up, do the ‘corporate approved speil’ and the voice on the other end says ‘Hi Kelley! I was looking for coffee bitch’, I distractedly say ‘Hi idiot-number-2, how are you!’
Fuck me dead. I spend the next 10 minutes trying to strangle myself with the headset cord and slamming my hand into the desk drawer to dull the pain. Did I mention that idiot-number-2 is my managers manager. Yeah.
I am trying to match each coffee with a glass of water. Cause I am all healthy and shit. So this necessitates numerous trips to the bathroom throughout the day. I walk into the bathroom just as idiot-number-3 is washing her hands.
‘Hi, how are ya!’
And she proceeds to tell me her woes while I am in the stall…
AND waits till I get out, wash my hands and then follows me to my desk, all the while blabbering on and I am all ‘leave me the fuck alone’ with my eyes and she is all ‘I do not speak eye language’ and keeps going and going and going until I
stab her in the head with a letter opener am saved by the phone.
‘Corporate approved speil’
‘Hey girl, how are ya!’ one of my biatches from across the hall replies
Now I even irritate myself.