I haven’t brushed my hair today.
Shit, I don’t think I have even brushed my teeth.
I started getting ready for work when the wave hit me. Grief, nausea, hatred, anger, sadness.
All at once it slammed into my chest and my brain shattered into a million pieces.
I spent almost 10 minutes looking for Boos school pants that I had already put on him. I saw him without seeing. Madly running around cursing myself for putting them down somewhere.
The wave hit me again and knocked the wind out of me. I had to sit down. Visions of yesterday, snippets of conversation.
The nastiness. May she rot in hell.
The ‘other’ I spoke of yesterday. The ‘other’ who I am not ready to talk about yet. Not until the story concludes and it will soon. Then you will feel the full force of my venom. Or not.
I cannot complete a thought or an action. I sat in the car for a full minute before I remembered where I was going. And that I did not have the car keys. I got to school and avoided everyone possible, but just the 3 or 4 that I had to speak to rendered me exhausted and spent.
Before my Nanna passed away this song was released. I could feel her screaming it to us. Every time I got in the car to drive the long trek home to change my clothes or say hello to my kids it would be on the radio.
Again the song haunts me today. I know he could hear us.
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain
Was he in pain? Was he calling us? Was he scared?
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
My heart hurts. I find it hard to breathe. Just the thought of him trying to communicate with us. To shut her the fuck up. I kept whispering to him that it was OK. It was just her pain talking. She doesn’t mean it. But I just need to leave the room for a minute.
But he knows better. And just that rips my heart in two. I can feel it tearing.
I just spoke to my daddy. I can feel the pain in his voice. He asks how I am. I don’t know what to say so I say ‘fine’
That is what you say, right?
Thankyou everyone for you kind thoughts in the comments and emails and DM Twitters. It means the world to me. I will privately email you all rather than comment in the comments. And I will be back to my cursing snarky self soon. I promise.