things that irriate me

…and that’s terrible.

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Too always said that the day I turned 40 she would make me a card out of this: Seriously the fucker can have all the damn cake. But if he touches my margaritas I will be forced to do something very unladylike. Happy fucking fortieth birthday to me. That’s as many as four tens.  And [...]

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Screaming at people Gets. Shit. Done.

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I have always worked under the assumption that if you ask someone to do something, and they agree, they like DO THE THING THAT WAS REQUESTED OF THEM. You know, ESPECIALLY when it is their motherfucking JOB to do the thing that you asked. And it is really really REALLY hard for me to ask [...]

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Batten down the hatches! Run for the hills! It’s MAN FLU!

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The Horror! The Terror! Oh the HUMANITY! MPS has a cold MAN FLU! As mere women whining about tiny insignificant things like period cramps, mittelschmerz, carrying a screaming toddler and a baby in a sling while pushing a shopping trolley full of groceries nursing a barely healed caesarean scar and oh, I dunno, wearing a [...]

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…and when he stops vomiting I am gunna get him to pick the lottery numbers

I rarely get time alone nowdays. Snippets of time, here and there to get my own personal freak on.  Sans pants. Today I PAID Moo to fuck the fuck off and she chose to go to her boyfriends house in the city.  Let’s not think too deeply about that. Did a little shopping and in [...]

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Oh what a morning. Would have been way betterer if I was hungover after a night of partying.

This morning, after a night of hacking up a lung with The Sickness That Is Not Whooping Cough Anymore But Something Entirely Different But We Just Don’t Know What It Is So Suck It Up Princess And Reduce That Stress Already, my eyes flew open at 7.46am Which is really 7.38am. Which I know immediately, [...]

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I am like, totally a pirate biatches. You know you want to be me.

So today I was sitting with some chick going through some shit that she should have fucking done MONTHS ago and patiently speaking to her in kindergarten English cause that is what you do with fuckers that just cannot understand simple instructions like ‘look at this, comment by this date’ and someone came over and [...]

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Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya…

Last week we went on a ‘team building exercise’. The senior managers go on this shit all the time.  Sometimes it is to a flash hotel overlooking the city lights, others an island on the Whitsundays.  On one of these junkets they decided that in order to lift moral they should throw a few shekels [...]

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Adventures in babysitting

I was a good babysitter. I didn’t get much of a chance to hone my mad skillz, unless you count the freakshow that used to live next door to us when we lived in the city who gave birth, asked us to help her name her child and then dumped her on our doorstep for [...]

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Hi, how are you?

What is with people?  I mean really.  Fuck me dead they irritate me. When you pass someone in the hall and say ‘Hi how are ya!’ it is meant as a greeting.  Not a fucking invitation to dump all your sorry arsed woes on my fabulously shoed self. Imagine me, at work, fabulously fabulousing. I [...]

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Is it cold in here? Or hot? Or cold?

This morning I went to the doctors. Every freaking doctor in known universe has been booked out for days, and shit like NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE and CHEST PAINS are apparently not that important. So finally, I gotz me an appointment today. I shuffled around some stuff at work so I could make the [...]

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