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things that irriate me

and I haven’t killed him. Yet.

So MPS has been home for just over a week with a toothache. Eleven days to be exact. 264 hours to be exacter. Too fucking long in my face with all the moaning and breathing and talk of motherfucking pus coming out of his motherfucking abscess and OOOOOH HONEY COME HERE AND GIVE ME A KISS. [...]

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The week preceding the birthday of The Queen of Awesome.

Every year since the Mayans started their calendar, I have taken the week before my birthday off work to clean the house as a birthday present to myself. I know, I know, I SHOULD be whisked away for luxury holidays or at least pampered with mani/pedi’s and massages and steaming lattes and unicorns made of [...]

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I shall give this one a free pass… but this is the ONLY time cause it made me snort coffee out my nose. Anyone else says this shit to me they will get a punch in ALL OF THE ORIFICES. Thrice.

and don’t even get me started on the ‘God only gives special children to special people’ shit. So is there a phrase that makes you want to punch people in the vagina? Rate this post biatches.Awesome (2) Fabulous (0) WTF (0) Day-um (1) Suckage (0)

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…and that’s terrible.

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Too always said that the day I turned 40 she would make me a card out of this: Seriously the fucker can have all the damn cake. But if he touches my margaritas I will be forced to do something very unladylike. Happy fucking fortieth birthday to me. That’s as many as four tens. And [...]

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Screaming at people Gets. Shit. Done.

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I have always worked under the assumption that if you ask someone to do something, and they agree, they like DO THE THING THAT WAS REQUESTED OF THEM. You know, ESPECIALLY when it is their motherfucking JOB to do the thing that you asked. And it is really really REALLY hard for me to ask [...]

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Batten down the hatches! Run for the hills! It’s MAN FLU!

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The Horror! The Terror! Oh the HUMANITY! MPS has a cold MAN FLU! As mere women whining about tiny insignificant things like period cramps, mittelschmerz, carrying a screaming toddler and a baby in a sling while pushing a shopping trolley full of groceries nursing a barely healed caesarean scar and oh, I dunno, wearing a [...]

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…and when he stops vomiting I am gunna get him to pick the lottery numbers

I rarely get time alone nowdays. Snippets of time, here and there to get my own personal freak on. Sans pants. Today I PAID Moo to fuck the fuck off and she chose to go to her boyfriends house in the city. Let’s not think too deeply about that. Did a little shopping and in [...]

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Oh what a morning. Would have been way betterer if I was hungover after a night of partying.

This morning, after a night of hacking up a lung with The Sickness That Is Not Whooping Cough Anymore But Something Entirely Different But We Just Don’t Know What It Is So Suck It Up Princess And Reduce That Stress Already, my eyes flew open at 7.46am Which is really 7.38am. Which I know immediately, [...]

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I am like, totally a pirate biatches. You know you want to be me.

So today I was sitting with some chick going through some shit that she should have fucking done MONTHS ago and patiently speaking to her in kindergarten English cause that is what you do with fuckers that just cannot understand simple instructions like ‘look at this, comment by this date’ and someone came over and [...]

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Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya…

Last week we went on a ‘team building exercise’. The senior managers go on this shit all the time. Sometimes it is to a flash hotel overlooking the city lights, others an island on the Whitsundays. On one of these junkets they decided that in order to lift moral they should throw a few shekels [...]