Alternative title: my first Mr Linky memey thing for mah girl Kim

Cause I am feeling the love…

Fuck I love that kid.

She is awesome. She even surpassed MY awesomeness and that is crazy hard. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

OMG motherfucking bliss, biatches.

To paraphrase Tom Jones: I think I’m gunna sleep now… is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

Moo hooked us up with the series Better Off Ted.

And because it only ran two seasons we have been rationing ourselves.

Like fine wine and Max Brenner chocolate (I have run out BTW, just putting that out there… and I should totally be sponsored by Max Brenner considering I have converted half of Twitter to his crack) we savoured every morsel and yesterday we watched the final episode.

Sad face.

Fucking awesome series.

I guess I have enjoyed it more than most as ‘the company’ is eerily like my own workplace.

And I aspire to be Veronica.

Anyway.  For your viewing pleasure.  Just a taste.

Again, warning it is full of swears.

I am pretty sure that I could get away with calling one of my colleagues a peppy little splooge vacuum.  It is terribly descriptive of her and if I do it with a straight face I am pretty sure I can convince her to get it as a tramp stamp.

I can be very convincing.

Totally Not Safe For Work. Or parrots. Or incontinent people. Or small children. But then again if you are reading this you are clearly not a childlike incontinent parrot in a cube farm. Probably. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

I have a pair of shoes.

Well, technically I have a metric fuck tonne of shoes, but I have one pair in particular that I call my Happy Shoes.

When I wear these shoes I feel happy.

I look down and I smile.

My Happy Shoes Just. Make. Me. Happy.

They are not that expensive, they are not that fancy, they are just fucking PRETTY and they make me smile.

Today I wore my Happy Shoes.

I woke up, after a night full of bad dreams and sleeplessness.

A night of sore throats and snuffly noses.

And realised that I haven’t worn my Happy Shoes since BEFORE The Big Bad Thing.

So, today, on Boo’s first full day of his Specialist School I put on my Happy Shoes.

And every time something annoyed me:

Like forgetting his enrolment papers

Or getting to work late and having to reschedule meetings

Or a petty bitch letting the door go and not holding it open for me

Or being overcharged for Boo’s celebratory First Day Down hot dog (fuck me dead EIGHT BUCKS FOR A FUCKING HOT DOG DONUT KING?)

Or the guy chopping down our trees obviously deciding to take today off so meaning the fucker will be hanging around tomorrow while I am at home

I just looked down at my happy shoes and smiled.

Everyone needs some Happy Shoes.

Happy Shoes fucking ROCK.

My Happy Shoes. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

Once upon a time there was a fair maiden.

Yes, this fair maiden.

But she had now graduated to Goddess of Awesome.

And the Goddess of Awesome {GOA} was preparing to share her awesomeness with a few of her lucky subjects at a ‘conference’.

Which GOA was pretty sure was code for ‘surprise party to celebrate the awesomeness of the Goddess who had a birthday the week before’.

Obviously.

One day GOA was sitting at her computer and her minions loyal subjects noticed change of tone from her usual brilliant repartee on the Twitter.

‘Oh Goddess, what is wrong?  Do you need a foot rub?  A tweet? Perhaps a blog post dedicated in your honour?’

GOA looked down at her faithful friends and was all *sigh*

Which worried her subjects immensely.

‘Oh Goddess, how can we help?’

GOA sighed again, a little more dramatically this time, you know for effect as this was an important issue of EPIC proportions ‘I know you have done everything in your power to finance my trip, but alas because of the universes penchant for parking its arse over my head and emptying the contents of its lower bowel on my perfectly coiffed head, there is not enough gold left in the kingdom to buy some new pretty shoes to wear to the Dinner Dance!’

This saddened the minions loyal followers, as they knew that it had been days weeks MONTHS since a new pair of lovelies graced their Goddesses feet.

Little did GOA know that, as well as being the Goddess of everything AND the Queen of the Internet and being one of the chosen few being followed by Stephen Fry on twitter (and MC Hammer, but she doesn’t follow him back.  She saves her tweets for her Subjects of Awesome and not some dirty has-been rapper) AND the bestest at everything she attempts…

she also had a fairy godmother.  Named Hannah.  Which is the perfect name for a fairy godmother.

Hannah was just waiting for the perfect moment to descend from high and make her presence known.

Meanwhile, GOA was lamenting her fate, sadly looking in her wardrobe at all the shoes that she could no longer wear due to THE INCIDENTS that we do not mention.  Sky high heels lovingly placed in their boxes, never to see the light of day again.

It was almost too much for GOA to bear, so she dramatically flung herself on her bed Scarlett O’Hara style for dramatic effect.

Once she was done, which was pretty quickly seeing the only audience she had was Boo who saw her fling herself on her bed and immediately thought she was asleep and ran into the kitchen to smear his body in mustard, she sat down in front of her laptop.

Hundreds of emails awaited her.  Twitter follow requests from huge breasted girls wanting to share links to porn sites, emails inviting her to increase the size of her manhood, Princes promising to share their kingdoms wealth if she just hides the money in her bank account for a few weeks, party invites from Charlie Sheen… but one caught her eye.

From someone called Hannah.

Hannah wanted to give her shoes. To wear to the Dinner Dance at the conference.

SHOES.

OMG SHOES!

It was almost too good to be true, but she clicked on the link to ladies shoes and NEARLY KEELED OVER FROM THE RAPTURE OF IT ALL.

She fell in love with these.

And then these.

And these and these…

And OMG LOOK AT THESE!

And just when she was reaching shoe climax the heavens opened and the angels sang when she saw these…

‘Oh please, Hannah, may I have THESE ONES?’ The goddess begged, her fingers shaking as she typed, dreaming of the beautiful shoes encasing her feet at the ball.

And Hannah the Fairy Godmother nodded her head. Well GOA assumes she did, with elegance and style because a Goddess of Awesome CLEARLY has a very elegant and stylish Fairy Godmother not like that fat old lady in Cinderella.

And she had the good sense to not offer glass slippers, cause glass slippers are just plain stupid.

A few days later they arrived by noble steed.  Well it was a white van, driven by an old hairy guy that smelled like cheese.  BUT LETS NOT RUIN THE ILLUSION.

GOA dropped everything and opened the parcel and the shoes were everything she dreamed of.

And fell madly, deeply in love.

She wore them for 2 days straight.

Stares of appreciation and awe followed her where ever she went.

People asking where could THEY get shoes of such awesomeness, but because GOA is a SECRET BLOGGER and no one in real life is aware of her online awesomeness lest they explode with jealously or kidnap her so they can wear her skin as a simple but stylish Autumn coat, she could not direct them to the website through her blog and had to try and remember the url.

Because being the Goddess of Awesome comes at a high price.  It means that others will want to emulate you.

Bright green snake skin heels will be the new little black dress.

You heard it first here.

From the doyenne of fashion and pretty much EVERYTHING.

{yes, full disclosure, I received these shoes for FREE. With the promise of ONE link (and a link in my sidebar for a pre-determined time) The other links earn me nothing they are just swoonable shoes and at no time did Hannah request that I call her elegant nor stylish.  I just assume that cause she has a job that GIVES AWAY SHOES.  If you want to give me a new car I will call you any damn thing you want}

Once upon a time: A love story. Of snakeskin shoes and fairy godmothers. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

In the movie The Castle the father – the ever optimist – sits on the porch of his run down shack in the middle of nowhere, the only sound being bugs vaporising in the bug zapper above his wife’s head, and sighs ‘Hows the serenity’

Today, on the first day back at school after eight weeks of hell school holidays, the only sound the rain on the roof and the hum of the refrigerator, I am channelling a little of my inner bogan and running around the house sans pants screaming ‘HELLZ YEAH HOW IS THE FUCKING SERENITY BITCHES WOOOOO HOOOOOO!’

I love my children.

I really do.

Really really REALLY.

But when you go eight weeks of non stop Boo – all Boo, all the time -  the first day back at school knowing that he is safe and happy with his friends is like being released from prison.

A prison full of grabby touchy TALKING ALL THE FUCKING TIME OMG OMG OMG PLEASE CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT JUST ONCE  people that touch your stuff and smear butter all over your just cleaned kitchen and then shit and toothpaste in the motherfucking hallway and constantly checking to make sure you are wearing a bra.

That’s a thought.  SANS BRA AND PANTS BIATCHES!

Hows the serenity…

Um…

Shit.

I think I miss him.

************************

In no particular order, today I sing the praises of my girl Gillian from A Daft Scot Lass who is one of the amazing people helping me realise my dream of leaving the state urinating in public going to the Aussie Bloggers Conference.  She even wrote a post about me!  Click on her blog and sent her some love!

She has some fucking AMAZING taste in shoes, just check out her header

MWAH!

Hows the serenity… is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

It is after midnight.

The marauding Emo hordes have just left resplendent in their Halloween garb for the local bars and clubs.

The house smells like a toilet, there is a mud slide carved into my yard, food everywhere and Boo is bouncing off the walls in his room.

But I survived.

Two Parties In One Day 2010 is over.

I am fucking exhausted.

And in the mornin’, I’m making waffles.

and coffee… lots and lots of coffee.

Over. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

Today in the International House of Font the celebration of the awesomeness that is me, mother of awesome, was pretty well… awesome.

Presents.  Breakfast made by an Emo. Glee. Text from a ring in Emo that made me cry.

Awesome.

So as I sit here, my feet bubbling away on warm whirl massage in my new foot spa (courtesy of Moo) and MPS fixes up my new QUERTY keyboard phone, I will share some of my goodies from the day.

Mothers Day stall presents from Boo.  OMG how I adore the mothers day stall crap.  He was so proud of what he picked.

Can I get an awwwwwwwwwww?

Too drew this picture from a very small photo from our wedding.  The photo doesn’t do it justice.  The detail is amazing AND she did it all after I went to bed last night.

A footspa from Moo.  To help my Achilles.  *sob*

Then Too made me these white chocolate cream cheese Danish FROM SCRATCH.

Ommmm nommm nommm

I spent the majority of the day sitting down watching Glee FROM THE START and admiring my flowers.  And taking pics with my new phone.  And barking orders at everyone.

Just like any other Sunday really.

Hope you had a lovely day, whether celebrating motherhood or just sleeping in.  So tell me all about it.

Happy Mothers Day. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

Today Boo was up and raring to go.  Dressed and packed for his first day of the school year an HOUR AND A HALF ahead of time.

Too did the usual ‘whatevz’ but left the house sporting her new awesome messenger bag and the cutest pencil case ON EARTH.

Moo lounged around in bed, as you do when you are now officially a fucking bum finished school.

Dropped MPS at the bus stop, Too at the train station, Boo at his new classroom and then Da Boyfriend came and picked up Moo and then I was free.  Free.  FREE!

First day AH-LONE since October last year.

I contemplated streaking around the house nekkid, but settled on baking lemon cookies listening to Metallica sans pants.

Every year I take the first week back at school off work {hmmm, does that even make sense?  I take a week off work on their first week back… whatevz I AIN’T AT WORK BIATCHES AND I AM HOME AH-LONE!} under the guise that I will be available for the new teacher and aide lest Boo lose his shit.  But we all know it is cause I want to be alone.

Sans pants.

A few hours into my solitude I got an email from MPS telling me that he had busted the fly in his pants and was dreading the bus ride home giving The Great Unwashed a free peepshow.  As I am a kind and supportive wife I replied with ‘sucks to be you Hobo’.

Then I spent the next half hour composing a text message to fuck with Too aka Grammar Nazi’s head.

‘Msg me @{insert next town with all vowels removed} if train L8.  KTHXBAI’

And then I giggled my sans pantsified arse off at the mental image of her screaming at her phone after receiving it.

Alas, apparently I lose a few IQ points while basking at the altar of sans pantsery and sent the message to her old mobile number. But no matter, when I told her what I sent I got to actually SEE the head explosion minutes after she informed me that her English class is full of poor unfortunates of normal intelligence and therefore the class is a total and utter waste of time.  I believe her words were ‘when the teacher enquired how I felt about the class I said ‘sufficiently patronized actually”

Sucks to be you English teacher.  I had eight weeks of her home all day rolling her eyes at my inadequacies and I didn’t get paid for it.

So tomorrow on day two of the school year I will slow the car down in the general vicinity of the school/train station/bus stop, open the door and shout ‘tuck and roll!’ {cause I am kind and caring} and then rock the sans pants the second I walk in the door.

Mummy gunna shake her pantsless booty to some tunes while emptying the house of the debris of two months of accumulated shit treasures.

And I can’t wait.

So what do YOU do when you are all alone in the house?  I have FOUR DAYS left and totally open to suggestions.  Particularly anything that would fuck with my family’s minds.

Especially that Hobo.  Cause dude flashed his junk on public transport.

Hobos, Grammar Nazi’s and first days. Sans pants. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!

So today was my first day back at work after the two weeks of MADNESS, MADNESS I SAY!

I was feeling rather sore and tired and a tad overwhelmed after the awesomeness of the parties of awesome, so as I wandered in I gave my usual greetings to ensure that the entire office was aware that I was finally back and they could commence fawning over me, and I surveyed the destruction of my desk where some fucker was sitting while I was gone.

Bitch stole my scissors.  AND my favourite pen.  And fuck me dead she adjusted my chair.

I was ready to cut a bitch.  But I had no damn scissors.

Bitch.

As my fellow workers cowered at my wrath and pointed at each other for allowing some bitch to touch my shit, I spied a ‘private and confidential’ letter on my desk.

What the fuck?

I slashed open the letter, brandishing it in the general direction of my workmates, and settled down to read.

As I read a smile spread across my face.  A self satisfied, about fucking time, smile.

People gathered around to see what changed my mood so quickly.

I got a pay rise.  A performance based pay rise.

Because I am awesome.

And I have a piece of paper to prove it.

Awesome.

I know you are all dying to hear about the parties of awesome, but first I have to tell you of some other awesomeness. Awesome. is a post from: MagnetoBoldToo!