Beside you, my closest friends on the internetz, no-one in real life knows about my unfortunate little maladies.
I told my BFF from high school about the fibro once… she laughed in my face and said that was a made up thing that hypochondriacs get, so I learned to keep my fat mouth shut. No one can either spell or wrap their heads around the other shit I have so what is the damn point.
I have had two nurses and a medical student tell me that gastroparesis is a made up word and my GP keeps calling Dysautonomia ‘dysnomia’ – which is a fucking moon.
And lets be honest, if you are not missing a limb, completely bald or strapped to a chair it doesn’t exist, right?
*wipes sarcasm pooling on the keyboard*
Yes I totally went there.
So I just chose to be fabulous and fuck those bitches.
And here is how you can too.
Brush your damn hair. Looking good makes you feel good.
Seriously. Don’t go around looking like you have been dragged backwards through a bush. Bitches love to point out that shit. When your hair looks fabulous you feel fabulous. I even wear makeup on my days off. That way when my computer unexpectedly shuts the fuck down and I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the monitor I don’t stroke out from the shock. Again.
Takes just as much effort to wear a ball gown as fucking yoga pants.
This is going to be the title of my book. I swear to God. I am sick to death of seeing people walking around looking like slobs and saying that they can’t be bothered. You know what? BE BOTHERED. It really doesn’t take any more effort to pull on some nice pants than those shitty balled up ones that smell like last weeks vagina secretions. P.S. If you can smell it, we can smell it.
If a whore showers more than you, you have a problem.
I get it, you are tired. I am fucking tired too. But schedule in a shower at least every couple of days and run a hot cloth under your pits, tits and bits every other day. Also, dry shampoo is your very best friend. OMG I LOVE THAT SHIT. When the pain is baaaaad I am working on washing my hair once a week so I plan a hairstyle that will get me through an entire week of looking fab and FEELING fab with the help of my BBF dry shampoo. HOT TIP: Spray it in your hair the night before so it can work its magic overnight and you get less white flaky shit.
Hold your head high.
People will give you shit. Cause people take their crap out on others, ESPECIALLY if they think that you have got your shit together. Take that as a compliment. Smile and give those motherfuckers a withering look. Peasants.
Make sure your nails look good.
You don’t have to paint them, just make them all the same length. Chipped nails always make you look disheveled and unkempt. 90% of the time I don’t have any fucks to give to paint my nails so I just make sure that they don’t look like I have been digging my way out of my own grave.
Wear fabulous shoes.
This is MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT. I cannot stress this enough. I have shoes that cost 5 dollars and shoes that most definately DID NOT cost five dollars if you are feeling me. But they are all fucking fabulous. If you are wearing a pair of gorgeous shoes, you can be wearing a pair of cheap arsed jeans and a Kmart t-shirt and look fabbo. Especially if you are rocking a motherfucking wheelchair *sob* s’all good I am getting there...
Point of all this is, you can feel like shit but you don’t have to LOOK like shit. Sure, some days there will be no way out of looking like an extra on The Walking Dead but most of the time you can CHOOSE to look awesome and have every fucker in the world believe that you are completely faking your illness because you look THAT DAMN GOOD.