Hey, you guise. I know everyone is busy right now with holiday shizzle but I was wondering if you could just take a second from your celebrating and help a chick out.
I don’t know how to do this chronic illness shit.
I just don’t.
You would think that considering I have been rocking this gig for fucking EVER I would have had this shit locked down but I am fucking lost.
If I complain all the time people run away, and to be Frank and all his living relatives I am sick of complaining.
If I just suck it up and not say anything people assume (or worse still SAY) I am all better now and expect me to be able to run at 150% again.
No one, not even me or my doctors fully know what the fuck is going on yet, so how can I explain it to anyone? But should I ask the doctors for reports and stuff so I can show people? Keep a binder of CT scans, blood results and specialist phone numbers just for those armchair MD’s that think that I am too fat to be sick can check Dr Google at their leisure?
Ooops. How did that get there?
How is someone like me supposed to act? How much is too much smiling when you are feeling sick all the time?
How many times are you allowed to laugh in a week when your body feels like it has been crushed in a vice? Three times?
Am I allowed to sing along to Christmas Carols, or is that just reserved to the well and able bodied?
If today I can do something and I can’t tomorrow, does that mean that I am picking a choosing when I feel well?
When I go back to work after extended leave and people are all *sigh* OMG AREN’T YOU BETTER YET? And I get hauled over the coals about how I am going to manage my leave for the next year now that I have used it all. And I am all how the fuck do I know, can I just take it one day at a time and celebrate that I am a functioning human today? (and doing a better job than half these fuckers too)
If I take the time in the morning to put on some makeup to make me FEEL BETTER and get dressed, does that mean that I am not sick anymore? If I am laying on the couch under a blanket, instead of my bed, does that mean I am obviously not ill? Cured? Never was in the first place?
When someone asks how I am, what do I say? Do I tell the truth? Right now I just smile and say ‘FABBO!’ and get on with life because I just can’t deal, yanno? Either I get pity looks or raised eyebrows or worse still people flat out don’t believe me. Like true motherfucking story.
How is the chronically ill person supposed to look, my friends? Cause I am finding it hard to get anyone to take me seriously.
You know, unless I vomit on them. And then they don’t like me very much.
P.S. Even though I am being snarky and bitter, I would actually like some advice on how to deal with people when you don’t have one of the more obvious illnesses that people, you know, donate money and casseroles to.
P.P.S. Please don’t donate a casserole. Cause I can’t eat it. *sobs*