So eleven million years ago (3 months) when I last saw my gastroenterologist he suggested I go on the FODMAP diet and I laughed until I farted all the built up gasses in my distended belly because HELL TO THE FUCKING NO I am not going on that fucking diet where I can’t eat bread or aioli because I am basically living on that and sweet potatoes and OMG where did all my punctuation go oh yeah I left it with my will to live on Sunday back with bread and shit before I started this godforsaken elimination diet.
So IN THEORY the FODMAP diet looks pretty OK if you don’t think about having to give up bread and aioli. You can still eat most cheeses and have lactose free milk and have lots of your usual fruits and veggies and meats…
But not if you have a motherfucking lazy punk arse stomach that just lounges around being all NOPE you can’t eat that shit.
OMG YOU GUISE I am living on fucking potatoes and mayonnaise.
I figured that if I can eat Maccas chicken nuggets normally I would be able to eat some minced chicken on this FODMAP bizzo… so MPS cooked me some chicken patties on Monday. It is Wednesday and those fuckers are still squatting in my belly. So I have come to the conclusion that Maccas chicken nuggets are not minced chicken.
Or ‘chicken nuggets’ in a world outside of quotation marks.
I do not want to know what they are made out of LALALALALALALALALALALALA not fucking listening because they are one of the few things I can eat without hurling my recalcitrant guts up thankyouverymuch.
I can eat potato chips. And cheese. And hot salty fries. And coffee. And mayonnaise. And ginger bears to stop me feeling nauseous from the minced chicken rotting in my stomach from Monday.
As I feel better I will try and add some of the lower fibre shizzle (because with gastroparesis I have to limit my fibre intake) but I am hoping like fuck that bread is not going to be an issue cause that was my go to meal and nothing beats hot buttery toast when you are feeling like death warmed over.
OMG this is going to be a long motherfucking 2 weeks.*
Tomorrow I am going to have a whole fucking wheel of baked Brie for dinner. And eat it with my hands.
*because I am so limited in my foods I am only doing the elimination stage for 2 weeks before starting reintroducing food otherwise I may risk malnutrition or HULK SMASH.