You can’t, idiot.
And if you try you will fuck it up and every one will hate you.
For the longest time I have been sailing down my own little river of denial, pretending I can do it all and conveniently ignoring the pile of failure accumulating behind me.
My stagnating blog.
Half done projects.
Dust bunnies fornicating in the corner.
Schools leaving messages about forms that I was SURE I had put in Boo’s bag.
Piles on my desk at work that I will GET TO WHEN I HAVE TIME OMG ALREADY!
Baskets of washing.
Bath needs cleaning.
Weeds in the garden.
Return that call.
Begging off lunch with friends or a manicure. ‘Come on, it has been AGES! You never have time to do anything.’
Didn’t I do that mandatory training last week? I was sick? Again? Sorry about that…
Really need to make time to get those tests done…
And mop the floors.
And get a bigger medication drawer. Or cabinet.
Chasing up schools and therapists for Boo. Email. Phone. Text. Email again.
When was the last time I washed my hair? It is so exhausting. *add dry shampoo to shopping list*
Add *do shopping* to the list of things to do.
Too sick to go to a meeting so reschedule. Conflicts with a doctors appointment/another meeting/school pickup.
Can we go out for dinner next week? Or maybe the week after? My stomach is playing up.
Just lay down here for a minute. Just one minute. I will feel better if I just rest my head for a second and then I will get it all done, I promise.
Well shit, look at all the mistakes I made. How on earth did I do that?
Did I forget to go to that meeting I scheduled? I am so sorry! I was sure I put it in my calendar! Can we reschedule? I apologise… I know… I know…
How the fuck did we run out of clean clothes? Underwear? I just can’t keep on top of this washing.
Takeaway for dinner again. I know. I am sorry. I am just so tired. And I hurt everywhere.
Didn’t I just clean the bath? How is there pink mould in here? And the toilet? Jesus fuck when will they invent a self cleaning toilet…
When was the last time I mopped the damn floors?
Showered?
Slept?
And there are a million red faces all glaring at me, my boss, my clients and co-workers, Boo’s teachers, therapists and workers, my friends and family… all these people who are relying on me to keep all these balls flying around in the air in a perfectly choreographed symphony of awesomeness like I have always done and there I am staring at them wild eyed, terrified, with all my balls laying stagnant before me.
Covered in dust and crumbs from fuck knows the last time I vacuumed.
You promised to keep the show rolling.
You said you could do it.
I lied.
You can’t do it all, and by trying to you are hurting everyone around you.
Something has to give.
Make a choice.
Or one will be made for you.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Baby steps. 15 minutes at a time.
Xxx. we are on two weeks straight of take out for dinner (excepting that night I reheated frozen beef patties for “hamburgers”). I was shocked and overwhelmed by the response I got on wednesday when I finally admitted I needed help. People are amazing.
Yup chronic illness waits for no one….no one at all.
My aha moment was when I had to get my girls to do all the housework. It sucks and no,they don’t think of themselves as ‘slaves’ as a former friend told them they were.
We all need help.
Hugs
Baths should be cleaned by whoever uses them. Pull the plug, clean the tub. It becomes routine soon enough. Washing? whoever notices the basket is full when they toss in their socks, should load it all into the machine and set it going. If anyone at all notices the dust bunnies and says so, hand them a broom, or the vacuum cleaner. ( I did that to my mum once)
The trouble with all of this? Everyone else is just as busy as you are.
Should I send home made soup?
Fuck those balls. Stop juggling, and drop them
Dear Lord, do I relate to this. I’m still learning how to limit myself, too.
Kelley, I am 100% fine and healthy, with a fairly normal 5 year old, and a husband who is completely helpful & supportive. Even I can’t always keep it all going. Sometimes even the best of us get tired. You can’t eat properly, you have chronic pain, you have to deal with 2 schools, work and all sorts of other shit. The fact is, you shouldn’t be doing it all, if you try to do it all you will fall in a massive heap.
Get help where you can, look into getting a regular cleaner to deal with that pink mould & the mating dust-bunnies, see if people can help you fill your freezer (seriously, people say “what can I do to help” all the time, tell them to cook a meal, if you need it to be specific, give them a recipe to follow) The appointments etc are harder to deal with, but the cooking & cleaning can absolutely be helped with. Also, there is 0 shame in takeaway for dinner again.
Good luck!!!
Drop them like their hot! Oh hun, If I knew where you were – i’d come down and clean the toilet and bath for you . Fuck life can be fucking hard. And when you usually hold all those balls – people around you can’t cope when you’re not. Ask for help if you can. Even if its just for the toilet. I can be there. oxoxo
glad you wrote and now hope this will help you take the time needed to get well. It takes a load of time to be well & you’ve been half unwell/well and even worse for a long time. NOW! Stop! Ask & let others do for you! Love D xx
I don’t imagine it can improve anything for you, but I’m sending you big piles of love.
I hope you can let all that shit go, and just pick one task at a time to deal with, so life feels less f’d. People who can need to pick up the slack, and if you can afford it – there’s nothing wrong with paying for services you need done.
Exactly. Don’t let the choice be made for you again.
Prioritise: sleep, Boo, work. Showering is probably worth the effort, cleaning the bath is not. I like the idea of 15 mins here and there. Write lists.
Let the people who want to visit come see you and throw on a load of laundry while they’re there. You don’t do dinner right now, you can’t eat. End of story.
xx
This is not good. Forget about the dust bunnies. If you’re sick you’re sick and that’s all there is to it. My house looks like that and I have no excuse cept I’m a lazy pig. You need to be whisked away to a health retreat for a few weeks. Sending a big hug x
When can I move to Australia?
If you can, buy a Roomba, they are not exactly deep cleaners, but the one we had when I had my newborn and 7 year old was a lifesaver. It picks up the big stuff, at least, even under couches and beds! It is also sort of fascinating to watch, and we called ours Alfred.
As for the other balls, some of them are going to have to drop. I know you hate to do it, we all do. Just ignore them and let the Roomba pick them up.
Oh honey, I wish I could help. We can only do what we can do. Ask for all the help you are bloody well entitled to, and ask for everyone you know to help as well. And don’t worry about dust bunnies and a bit of mould. Keep up with the basics and as for juggling balls? Balls were made for bouncing. You will get through this … Sending you all the love and boundless energy and positive vibes in the world.
You poor darling. You’ve worked so hard for so long, with really hard breaks from the universe. No wonder you’re spent.
Oh, I know EXACTLY how you feel. And you’re right, you CANNOT do it all. It’s too overwhelming. But don’t beat yourself up over it. Do the best you can. And when you can’t? Don’t.
A line in the sand, of what you can sensibly achieve without killing yourself and what you can delegate. I flatted with someone who suffered from a chronic illness, it was so hard to watch her in pain all the time, depression, sadness, a lot of time in her room, you’re in my thoughts lovely. xx
I need those reminders… Honestly desert islands with no link to humanity for a week, month, year? Sounds heavenly. Just stock it with my favorite food, books and enough electricity to run a coffee pot a light for reading and maybe my family too. Not sure.
I almost never comment here. This time, I shall.
First, as you said, you can’t do it all. As others have commented, I wonder whether there is any task that you can delegate {possibly not at work, I know!} or ask for help with.
Second, no one will hate you. From reading your blog over months, and probably years, I believe you are doing your best. Plus, we all have things we wish we could do more of, or better.
Third, if I lived nearby, we might trade tasks! I love grocery shopping. Can’t help you with the bathroom cleaning. Laundry has piled up here, too, and I’m tackling it all today. So I claim. 🙂
Fourth, as you’re dealing with chronic health issues {me, too; probably different ones} … please take care of yourself. Do things you enjoy, and that don’t tire you out very much. Order in food, if that saves you time and energy. Or, cook from scratch, if you enjoy that.
Fifth, and this one I am terrible at: prioritize, and decide what you can do.
The above ideas are in no particular order. Despite being numbered.
Warm regards,
Kate