I am a hardcore motherfucker.
It is true.
Years ago I had this thing called a ganglion on my wrist and it was annoying the shit out of me and making me drop my margarita, so I went to the doctor and he was all ‘it is a ganglion and in the old days they would hit it with a Bible.’
And I didn’t have no Bible because we are heathens (is heathen spelt with a capital letter? Never mind… see: Heathen) so I just hit it with a hammer and the fucker went away.
I did the same thing with a wart on my finger in high school in woodwork class.
But that was an accident and a precedent.
Hammers are very useful.
And attractive if you are a Captain.
I am very weak from the malnutrition. Can you tell?
But I digress.
Now the point of my story is MPS has a ganglion now and I have offered my services as hammer wielder but his SURGEON has booked him a general motherfucking anaesthetic to remove said ganglion from the side of MPS’s foot and looked at me like I was CRAZY or something when I mentioned my MAD SKILLZ at getting rid of mine.
‘But it was the 90’s.’ I said.
And we all nodded sagely.
It was a different time.
So on Friday MPS gets to wear a paper hat and maybe even paper undies and have a little nap while the doc chops a lump off his foot.
That I probably could have whacked with a copy of Greys Anatomy or Origin of Species and saved us a trip to the hospital and an early fucking morning.
Men. They don’t make ’em as strong as chicks in the 90’s with hammers do they?
P.S. Send MPS quick healing vibes please. Someone needs to make my lattes and do the fucking shopping, OMG.