I have been trying to find the right word to convey this… thisness… and the only thing that I can come up with is stuck.
I can’t explain it.
I knew that I was close to breaking point but I tried harder anyway.
Even though just turning up to life every day was a fucking struggle I pulled up my big girl panties and did MORE.
Proving to everyone that I could do everything, that I was fine, I wasn’t weak and just being ‘silly’. That I could pull it all off and with a smile on my face.
Simply mind over matter. If you say I should be ok by now then I will be.
Now I am catapulted back to what started it all and without the delicious numbness of disassociation.
So I do things to try and get unstuck like wandering into random hairdressers and cutting off my hair, or going into service providers and fucking DEMANDING that Boo’s needs be met and can I have a tissue please sorry about the tears on your counter or blurting out the whole Big Bad Thing to work colleagues that just asked to borrow a pen who should have known better the stationery cupboard IS JUST RIGHT FUCKING THERE!!!!!
And then the poor friends who get random PTSD fuelled texts from me while I am doing weird shit like sewing shapeless clothing that I will never finish or laminating hundreds of cartoon characters for a party that was never going to be good enough.
I love youse guise.
Alas, despite my best efforts I am still well and truly stuck reliving shit that happened years ago like it is happening now.
Not the actions, just the down and dirty feeeeeeeeeeelings.
And whereas before I could just open up a post and spew it all out here and feel somewhat better, now I am sitting here
words caught between my brain and my fingers
and even before.
I blame it on the meds I take
to take away the physical pain.
But I think it is more than that.
I am well and truly stuck
And I don’t know how to get free.