It dawned on me late last night.
Or early this morning.
Whichever your glass half full/empty preference falls.
Laying in the dark, without the usual soothing chatter of the TV that lulls me back to sleep on these did to much during the day pay with insomnia nights, my mind whirling with this new realisation.
I am never going to get better.
It hit me like a punch to the chest.
After the strokes I was able to adjust my way of doing things and pretty much go on as normal. Sure the lack of depth perception is a bitch when applying my eyeliner or picking up OMG WHY DO YOU JUST WALK OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN CLOTHES AND LEAVE THEM THERE FOR ME TO DEAL WITH crap from the floor but a girl learns to adapt and fuck, if a kid can learn to play the piano* with half a brain then I can learn to do winged eyeliner again.
All the other shit I have adapted to or just tried to ignore cause it is just too hard to deal with (Holla PTSD and going to a shrink, I have the referral at least…) but this, this now with the tired and the sore and the pain and the spoons, well fuck.
I. Am. Never. Going. To. Be. Better.
It shouldn’t get any worse.
But I am going to have to learn to live with it.
I am always going to have to make choices.
Wash my hair or clean the bathroom.
Go to work or out to dinner.
Tidy house or good nights sleep.
I start each day with such HUGE plans, stroke brain forgetting the limitations, only to be let down by my body.
I try to adapt, to make deals with my body – 30 mins of this and then a rest, rinse and repeat.
But the rest turns into the entire day and I hate myself even more for being so lazy.
Then dinner time rolls around and I am flaked on the couch and everyone is so angry.
And this will be forever.
I am never going to be better. Chronic pain and exhaustion is my identity now.
Stupid ratfucksonofabitch choices, my life.
Sleep all day so I can make dinner.
Wash my hair*** on this day, so I can do more on another.
Push through the pain and exhaustion, insomnia for a week.
There is nothing I can do about it.
No pill to take.
No determination to get better.
No suck it up princess and harden the fuck up.
Just, it is what it is and I have to learn to live with it.
And that fucking pisses me off.
* I am just assuming that the kid learned the piano. I saw a documentary where a kid had severe epilepsy or something and in order for them to live they removed HALF OF THEIR BRAIN and they totally like adapted to that shit cause brains are amazing. Also, it would be pretty cool to drag the kid out at dinner parties and be all ‘Beethovens Concerto in B minor** by my kid with half a brain what is your excuse?’
** I don’t even know if that is a thing.
*** yes, washing my hair is a big fucking deal. A girl has gotta look good, even if she is laying on the couch.