I am just so tired.
Right now, in the midst of medical dramas and school dramas and kid dramas and end of year dramas and 14 Christmas trees that need to be decorated and I kinda maybe have a couple more being delivered this week, the thing that is getting me down the most is I am so very tired.
I can push through anything. Torn Achilles? Strap that fucker up and LETS GO. Burst ovarian cysts? Meh, I got shit to do. Frozen shoulder? Pass me a fucking chair to stand on I can still reach it.
A brain stuck on buffering.
Simple words just unatainable.
I have been to the doctor numerous times and each time I forget why I am there, what I want to say. So overwhelmed by everything and so fucking tired that I just give up.
MPS has taken to coming to appointments with me, and now, finally, I have a sort of kinda plan of action and waiting for an appointment with a rheumatologist.
And we are shopping for a new mattress tomorrow to hopefully put an end to the screaming pain in my side that leaves me moaning, in a completely unsexy cow giving birth to siamese calves sideways kinda way, all damn night.
And I am trying to accept that afternoons are basically when my body and brain needs to reboot.
I don’t know what I want to get from the rheumatologist, the tentative diagnosis is fibromyalgia probably brought on by the PTSD* and I am in two very fucking slow minds about that.
On one hand it will answer a lot of questions and also mean that I don’t have to worry about pushing myself too hard, that the only consequence is tired and OMG pain and not what I fear the most right now, incapacitation and hospitalisation.
That I will push myself so far that I will snap my shoulder, or my achilles or hip or neck or any of the myriad of places where I have been told I have tendonitis/tendonosis/sore bits, or that headache is actually another stroke, or that pain I feel is my body breaking down YET AGAIN.
That I can just get on with it and not have to worry that I won’t be able to care for Boo.
But on the other hand there is no treatment for fibromyalgia, just a whole lot of suck it up princess and people telling you that you are lazy and a hypochondriac.
And no one wants that shit.
For so long I have been blaming my issues on the strokes, IBS, PCOS, tendonitis, whatever the current diagnosis I have been given and sent on my completely confused and bringing up Dr Google on my phone on the way out the door and generally just being a fucking sooky la la, but what if there is just one all encompassing thing that I can just say THAT is what is wrong with me, not a fucking laundry list of random shit.
Sure, there ARE things that are specific to those diagnosis’s and fuck knows I am collecting that shit like Pokemon, but I am just so tired of making excuses all the time.
Of being broken.
Of being so motherfucking bone tired.
Pushing through concrete.
I want to make plans in the morning and not be a zombie by mid afternoon.
I want to wake up and feel like I actually slept and not with numb hands and hips and cramps in my calves.
I want people to stop being angry with me when I say I will do something and instead, yet again, I am working on the perfect arse imprint on my couch.
I want the old Kelley back, and if that is not possible just someone to tell me that it is OK to TRY and be the old Kelley and that I won’t break myself and jeopardise Boo’s future during my performance.
Oh and a good nights sleep. And the best mattress my dollar fifty can buy.
Do you have fibromyalgia?
Or collect diseases like Pokemon?
Any suggestions for the best mattress to relieve bovine like screaming and skin that is on fire?
*well TECHNICALLY the GP put diagnosis of fibromyalgia on the referral to the rheumatologist but he also put hypertension and I have LOW blood pressure and HAND WROTE ‘stroke’ like a fucking afterthought so WTF do I do with that?