I have this friend.
This awesome, hilarious fucking broken as fuck friend.
We have seen the dark and laughed our fucking heads off.
Text exchanges that have left me gasping for air with the hilariousness, one upping each other until our fingers can no longer form words, would horrify most.
Curl your toes and send grandma for the smelling salts.
She speaks her truth to anyone who wants to know, I envy that.
I hide the details, sharing only what I feel safe to share, my body excreting my truth in waves of panic and explosions of pain and brain farts.
But she gets me. And I her.
A couple of days ago I found a package on my doorstep.
A package addressed to ‘Her Majesty Queen Kelley of Magneto’ containing a bag with a panda holding a smoking gun, a forever coveted Smurfette (I never ever had one as a child, all the other fuckers but no Smurfuckingette) and this:
A unicorn sprinkle shaker.
A motherfucking unicorn full of sprinkles that sprinkle out of its arse.
I went to email her to tell her that shit is going straight to the poolroom, where poolroom is my desk at work, and that I was going to fill that fucker with sprinkles and every time my boss gave me the stink eye I would tip my head back and sprinkle coloured happiness from the arse of a motherfucking unicorn, when I heard the news.
While I was revelling in her gift, and probably whinging about some stupid shit to anyone that would listen, my friends world was falling apart.
Right on fucking cue.
Her baby brother, who we were only talking about the day before, died by his own hand.
I wish I could be there for her, to do stupid things like answer the phone or sweep the floor or make some fucking toast.
With sprinkles on it.
Motherfucking sprinkles on everything.
The card enclosed with the parcel, besides calling Smurfette a dirty whorebag – which I completely agree – was signed thusly:
I adore you. I get you. Life is bullshit but we keep going.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Life IS bullshit but you WILL keep going.
I love your fucking face off Eden.
P.S. It totally does look like a penis. I light up fucking penis. Smurfette you whore.Magnetoboldtoo is sponsored by: