Clearly I am an expert on everything ever and ESPECIALLY on the subject of eating to dull the pain (hello 4 different sizes in my wardrobe on constant rotation) so let me lick the salty greasy goodness of those delicious fries off my fingers and regale you with my expertise.
1. Handcuffs.
Another use for those handcuffs you bought after reading Fifty Shades, and your husband was all hell no woman get that shit away from me what have you been smoking so you hid them in the bottom of your IAmFatAndHormonalGetAwayFromMe Granny Underpants drawer.
2. Sew your mouth shut.
Co-ordinate the thread with your shoes. OMG SO PRETTY!
Added bonus if you are a nail biter.
3. Get a crack whore to lick all the food in your cupboard.
You KNOW where her mouth has been. *shudder*
4. Corset.
You can’t breathe, there is no way in hell you can REACH that donut let alone eat it.
Damn Pam, you are fabulous. Liquid diet?
5. Recite pi to the 50th digit.
You will feel so stupid that you can’t do it you will not want to be fat AND dumb. Nothing tastes as good as not being as dumb as rocks feels.
I feel a motivational poster coming on…
Bonus points if, like me, you have children that can reel it off in one breath.
I am like a fucking GURU at this shit. Next up: How to get teenagers to think you are awesome and clean their rooms without asking. Also, Husbands: What are they good for?
Disclaimer: I am neither a doctor nor a psychologist. I am probably the least qualified to counsel on such matters, evidenced by my lack of actually addressing the emotional aspect of the actual problem.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
perfect advice *she says eating biscuits and crying*
do you want some of this hazelnut chocolate too? The crack whore spit is all dry now and you totally can’t even notice.
There’s an advert for a Michelle Bridges body transformation in your side bar. Perfect matching of blog content to advertising campaign I say. Well done. Meanwhile I am seriously contemplating the sewing my mouth shut option – I just need to locate some sparkly thread.
I will be opening my mouth thread etsy store next week.
You could just not buy food, don’t keep any handy.
If the family complains, hand them five dollars and a map to Macca’s.
Mmmmmm Maccas…
Tonight, I have solved the emotional eating problem.
There is nothing delicious in the house.
And your undies drawer sounds very familiar… Granny underpants are soooo comfy!
I’m trying not to eat carbs, but I’m not very good at it. I can live without pasta but not sushi or chocolate. I suck at Paleo, it’s depressing. Quick – potato chips in my mouth. Also – I want to be Pam, she is truly awesome.
xx
I don’t want to live in a world without carbs.
Black coffee topped up with as many marshmallow as will not overflow the mug is legit anti-depressant medication.
Pardon me for leaving but I have room for one more marshmallow on top.
Coffee with marshmallows? Never thought of that.
I love a good True Blood reference 🙂 I know, Pam is totally wearing a corset right? Because she looks amazing! 😮
She has to be. That or she has had a few ribs removed.
Imma need to magnet this to my fridge!
And you need a big O magneto.
Magnet o geddit?
Oh, yes, hiding a stash of goodies in the granny underwear.
That is what you said, right?
Why didn’t I think to co-ordinate the thread to my shoelaces? GENIUS!
I am thinking of starting a style blog.
these are awesome ideas! I need all the help I can get.
Currently waiting on a whole block of Cadburys to be delivered to me. How else will I read my trashy magazines?
Awesome tips, lady xxxx
With nuts? It has to have nuts. Taste the irony, it is delicious.
Sewing my lips shut feels like it might be a pretty attractive option soon! Forgot how freaking hungry breastfeeding a parasite, I mean baby, makes you. I’m pretty sure you’re suppose to lose weight after having a baby but it seems my body wants to do the opposite. The fact that I’m also allowed to eat whatever I want again hasn’t helped as all I want seems to be a Maccas sundae with a large fries to dip into it!