Clearly I am an expert on everything ever and ESPECIALLY on the subject of eating to dull the pain (hello 4 different sizes in my wardrobe on constant rotation) so let me lick the salty greasy goodness of those delicious fries off my fingers and regale you with my expertise.
Another use for those handcuffs you bought after reading Fifty Shades, and your husband was all hell no woman get that shit away from me what have you been smoking so you hid them in the bottom of your IAmFatAndHormonalGetAwayFromMe Granny Underpants drawer.
2. Sew your mouth shut.
Co-ordinate the thread with your shoes. OMG SO PRETTY!
Added bonus if you are a nail biter.
3. Get a crack whore to lick all the food in your cupboard.
You KNOW where her mouth has been. *shudder*
You can’t breathe, there is no way in hell you can REACH that donut let alone eat it.
Damn Pam, you are fabulous. Liquid diet?
5. Recite pi to the 50th digit.
You will feel so stupid that you can’t do it you will not want to be fat AND dumb. Nothing tastes as good as not being as dumb as rocks feels.
I feel a motivational poster coming on…
Bonus points if, like me, you have children that can reel it off in one breath.
I am like a fucking GURU at this shit. Next up: How to get teenagers to think you are awesome and clean their rooms without asking. Also, Husbands: What are they good for?
Disclaimer: I am neither a doctor nor a psychologist. I am probably the least qualified to counsel on such matters, evidenced by my lack of actually addressing the emotional aspect of the actual problem.