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5 ways to stop emotional eating.

by Kelley

in bitch be crazy, cracking my own shit up

Clearly I am an expert on everything ever and ESPECIALLY on the subject of eating to dull the pain (hello 4 different sizes in my wardrobe on constant rotation) so let me lick the salty greasy goodness of those delicious fries off my fingers and regale you with my expertise.

1. Handcuffs.

Another use for those handcuffs you bought after reading Fifty Shades, and your husband was all hell no woman get that shit away from me what have you been smoking so you hid them in the bottom of your IAmFatAndHormonalGetAwayFromMe Granny Underpants drawer.

2. Sew your mouth shut.

Co-ordinate the thread with your shoes. OMG SO PRETTY!

Added bonus if you are a nail biter.

3. Get a crack whore to lick all the food in your cupboard.

You KNOW where her mouth has been.  *shudder*

4. Corset.

You can’t breathe, there is no way in hell you can REACH that donut let alone eat it.

dayum payum

Damn Pam, you are fabulous.  Liquid diet?

5. Recite pi to the 50th digit.

You will feel so stupid that you can’t do it you will not want to be fat AND dumb. Nothing tastes as good as not being as dumb as rocks feels.

I feel a motivational poster coming on…

Bonus points if, like me, you have children that can reel it off in one breath.

I am like a fucking GURU at this shit.  Next up: How to get teenagers to think you are awesome and clean their rooms without asking. Also, Husbands:  What are they good for?

Disclaimer: I am neither a doctor nor a psychologist.  I am probably the least qualified to counsel on such matters, evidenced by my lack of actually addressing the emotional aspect of the actual problem.

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

1 bigwords August 9, 2013 at 7:28 pm

perfect advice *she says eating biscuits and crying*

Reply

2 Kelley August 9, 2013 at 7:37 pm

do you want some of this hazelnut chocolate too? The crack whore spit is all dry now and you totally can’t even notice.

Reply

3 Mumabulous August 9, 2013 at 7:31 pm

There’s an advert for a Michelle Bridges body transformation in your side bar. Perfect matching of blog content to advertising campaign I say. Well done. Meanwhile I am seriously contemplating the sewing my mouth shut option – I just need to locate some sparkly thread.

Reply

4 Kelley August 9, 2013 at 7:38 pm

I will be opening my mouth thread etsy store next week.

Reply

5 river August 9, 2013 at 9:12 pm

You could just not buy food, don’t keep any handy.

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6 river August 9, 2013 at 9:13 pm

If the family complains, hand them five dollars and a map to Macca’s.

Reply

7 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:55 pm

Mmmmmm Maccas…

Reply

8 eccentricess August 9, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Tonight, I have solved the emotional eating problem.
There is nothing delicious in the house.

And your undies drawer sounds very familiar… Granny underpants are soooo comfy!

Reply

9 Lisa Barton-Collins August 9, 2013 at 9:54 pm

I’m trying not to eat carbs, but I’m not very good at it. I can live without pasta but not sushi or chocolate. I suck at Paleo, it’s depressing. Quick – potato chips in my mouth. Also – I want to be Pam, she is truly awesome.
xx

Reply

10 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:54 pm

I don’t want to live in a world without carbs.

Reply

11 JahTeh August 10, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Black coffee topped up with as many marshmallow as will not overflow the mug is legit anti-depressant medication.
Pardon me for leaving but I have room for one more marshmallow on top.

Reply

12 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:53 pm

Coffee with marshmallows? Never thought of that.

Reply

13 Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella August 10, 2013 at 1:11 pm

I love a good True Blood reference 🙂 I know, Pam is totally wearing a corset right? Because she looks amazing! 😮

Reply

14 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:52 pm

She has to be. That or she has had a few ribs removed.

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15 rah August 10, 2013 at 1:29 pm

Imma need to magnet this to my fridge!

Reply

16 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:53 pm

And you need a big O magneto.

Magnet o geddit?

Reply

17 Jayne August 11, 2013 at 8:10 am

Oh, yes, hiding a stash of goodies in the granny underwear.
That is what you said, right?

Reply

18 Miss Pink August 11, 2013 at 9:27 pm

Why didn’t I think to co-ordinate the thread to my shoelaces? GENIUS!

Reply

19 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:51 pm

I am thinking of starting a style blog.

Reply

20 Vanessa @ babblingbandit.me August 14, 2013 at 5:48 pm

these are awesome ideas! I need all the help I can get.

Reply

21 edenland August 19, 2013 at 7:04 pm

Currently waiting on a whole block of Cadburys to be delivered to me. How else will I read my trashy magazines?

Awesome tips, lady xxxx

Reply

22 Kelley August 20, 2013 at 3:51 pm

With nuts? It has to have nuts. Taste the irony, it is delicious.

Reply

23 Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions August 31, 2013 at 3:35 pm

Sewing my lips shut feels like it might be a pretty attractive option soon! Forgot how freaking hungry breastfeeding a parasite, I mean baby, makes you. I’m pretty sure you’re suppose to lose weight after having a baby but it seems my body wants to do the opposite. The fact that I’m also allowed to eat whatever I want again hasn’t helped as all I want seems to be a Maccas sundae with a large fries to dip into it!

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