Today I thought I would treat myself to a fruit salad for lunch.
This smoothie/sandwich bar across the road from my work does an awesome fruit salad, none of that filler stupid cantaloupe or honey dew, and a metric shit tonne of freshly sliced pineapple and oranges without pith.
So if I am having a bad day at work full of dickheads and fuckknuckles I treat myself to some tummy sunshine.
As it has been a rather nice day out, and also the last day of the school holidays, the Great Unwashed were out in force and I was part of a small crowd that had gathered at the smoothie/sandwich bar.
After the man – mid fifties I would guess – and teenage girl in front of me were served they indicated to the chick serving said sunshine, that I was next. And then, oddly, they moved and gave me practically the entire counter to place my order.
While I waited I could hear giggling and whispering and I turned around to see the man, and the teenage girl looking at me and laughing. The man whispered something to the girl and she looked at me and blushed. The man looked me up and down and continued laughing.
Immediately my inner voice started chanting ‘You are too fat, that is why they are laughing’
‘He is saying ‘look at the fat girl ordering a fruit salad, probably her second lunch’
‘Your hair looks stupid, it makes you look fatter. They are laughing about how disgusting you are’
My inner monologue droned on and on in a matter of fact voice and I desperately wanted to get out of there and away from these people that couldn’t possibly be saying anything worse than what I was saying to myself.
So, instead of filling my belly full of sunshine I looked down at my lunch and felt fat.
And all of those things that I told myself that some random fucker whispered to some poor girl when in reality – when my logical brain kicks in – they probably just stood back NOT BECAUSE I AM SO FAT I NEED ALL OF THE ROOM, but because they were being polite. He was probably whispering something completely unrelated and I was just in their line of sight NOT BECAUSE I AM THE UGLIEST WOMAN ON EARTH WITH STUPID HAIR.
They more than likely didn’t give me a second thought.
Or, even if he was being a fucking arsehole and judging me on his preconceived notions of what is acceptable, SO THE FUCK WHAT? Why should that destroy my day?
Why does the opinion of some grey haired dude in trackies and a balled up jumper mean anything at all to me?
And, why do I give that awful voice in my head so much power? Why do I see the beauty in others and only the negatives in myself?
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK brain? How is that constructive?
There was no way I could go back to work and deal with the afternoons catastrophes in that frame of mind, so I went and bought myself a new handbag and all was right with the world again.
I am superficial. Sue me.
Do you have a fucking bitch of an inner voice? How do you deal with it?