Yes, my friends, Foul Mouthed Tutorials are BACK, MOTHERBITCHES!
I kinda put them on hiatus for a while cause peeps were pinnin’ the shit outta mah tutes *fans self cause that sounds so dirty… CLEARLY it has been a while* and I was CONCERNED that kids would stumble across my little ol’ corner of the internets and find new words to call their mothers behind closed doors as they are forced to clean their rooms.
But people are pinning porn, tutorials on how to use a dildo and bible verses so I figure a few motherfuckers while assembling foodstuffs is perfectly acceptable.
So today, because it is school holidays and I am trying to distact Boo from wanting to cook everything from Epic Meal Time, I present you Bogan Burgers.
AKA Home Burgers.
These little fuckers are so damn
healthy delicious and nutritious goddamn easy you could slide 2 of them down your gullet with a couple of ciders before you even realise what you have done.
Hand to mouth. It is PRIMAL.
The heroes of mah dish.
Dried onion. Don’t be trying to use fresh. Cause then Boo will be digging bits of onion out of his burger and looking at me like ‘OMG WOMAN HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER LOVING MIND?!’ and I am pretty sure there is some nutritional value in these smelly little bastards.
(After opening the onion flakes MPS wandered in. ‘Did you fart?’ Nope. Onion flakes.)
Seasoning Salt. Absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Guaranteed. Probably will reduce IQ and increase homicidal tendencies.
Cheap arse mince. Don’t go all fancy and get the low fat pretty shit. Cheap and nasty no star full of fat mince. I freeze mine into 500g portions to make this meal even quicker than Maccas*. You need the full fat stuff to un-dehydrate the onion and ensure a juicy burger.
So you cover the bottom of your pyrex dish with the dried onion…
and then slap down the mince. Season generously with seasoning salt. I have no clue if this is the right stuff cause originally I got the recipe from an American blogger who called them White Castle Burgers, and she got herself a new arse ripped in the comments about feeding her children such horrendously bad food and something about going to hell and Morman elders and I hightailed outta there lest I suddenly got the urge to dress modestly and stop swearing and shit. So this is a cobbled together FROM MEMORY recipe.
Memory. Fuck I am funny.
Chuck that bitch in a preheated 180C oven (I probably should have said something about that earlier… clearly I suck at this tutorialising) for 15 minutes and go and pour yourself a cider while you are unwrapping the plastic cheese.
You know, the stuff that comes in individually wrapped slices and sorta melts with a skin? This is not the time for showcasing the fancy Coon slices or, heaven forbid, the extra sharp Cheddar.
Cheap arse shit cheese on top of your bad arse fat filled mince covered with fuck knows what seasoning salt and dehydrated onion.
After 15 minutes, pull the meat out and if there is an excess of fat try and drain SOME of it off (I use VIVA paper towels because they are awesome**)
Then slap on the cheese. This is going to make 6 sliders, so six slices of cheese (overlapping is AOK cause we are rebels)
Back in the oven to melt the cheese. Watch it carefully cause plastic cheese goes from solid to sorta melted to brown but tastes like burnt to YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE GRAB ALL OF THE iDEVICES FIRST! within seconds.
Let it sit for a couple of minutes while you marvel at the skin formed on top of the cheese, trapping all the melty goodness inside.
And then divide into six equal portions.
Fight over who gets the crappy side piece that seemed to shrink a little and then when you get left with the crappy side piece vow to fart on each and every one of those bastards pillows just before they go to bed.
Slap those suckers on some mini hamburger rolls.
Or as the name suggests, SLIIIIIDE… them on some rolls, Bogan.
We like ours with ketchup (true story. Not tomato sauce, actual ketchup cause Boo is American), mustard and a fucktonne of pickles.
Enjoy. And try to stop at one.***
Next time: Tiger Toast, the finest recipe to come from mummy’s quiet time while the kids watch Playschool.
Do you have a favourite junk food recipe? Link me up, there are still another 3 weeks of holidays left…
*McDonalds for those non Aussies.
** not motherfucking sponsored. Do you really think they would WANT to be associated with this recipe?
*** sorry there is no assembled photo. I was hungry and am in no way a professional food blogger.