So today I bought some new clothes (thank you Target and Big W, cause I ain’t dropping no serious coin on this fat arse*) to wear when I go back to work next month.
Can you BELIVE it has been a motherfucking YEAR since I went on leave?
Me neither.
So some even fatter fat clothes were purchased.
Which KILLED me cause the whole idea of this time off was to get my noggin in some sort of working order and slim my fat, non smoking, stroke addled, nomming on all the shit arse down. And all I managed to do was gain the weight of a small child around my abdomen and reduce my IQ to the single digits, trying to cope with the constant diarrhoea shower I have been enduring for the past year years decade for a damn long time.
Silver lining: Imagine if I had to cope with the arsehats at work AS WELL?!
Of course now I am making lists like a madwoman and compiling lists of the lists and making folders on the laptop to store said lists and then putting reminders in my phone to check the lists and also to store more lists in case the laptop dies.
Note to self: Put back up the laptop on the list.
And backup the blog.
Fuck it. Make another list about all the things that need to be backed up and then back up that list with another list on your phone.
Needless to say I am freaking out at the prospect of returning to work, because to say that my workmates were fucking bitches about my issues after the stroke and the whole clusterfuck that happened in December** is putting it mildly.
Fucking moles.
Hence the lists. To regain some control over my mile a minute OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY what was I doing again brain.
And today I started exercising again. You know, for the endorphins.
And so I don’t kill anyone with all this pent up rage.
RoboBoot came off a couple of days ago – still need to wear it if I am going out or walking for an extended period – but most of that time the fucker is chucked in the back bedroom to be snarled at on my way to the loo.
BOOYAH!
So hopefully, in the last few weeks before my return to work – don’t ask me the date cause I can’t remember and I need to find the letter I got cause I LOST ALL THE EMAIL CORRESPONDENCE WITH MY MANAGER WHEN MY LAPTOP DIED OMG OMG OMG WHEN WILL THE HORROR STOP OF REMEMBERING EVERYTHING I LOST ON THAT DAMN COMPUTER BACK YOUR SHIT UP PEOPLE!!!! – I will be able to get myself in some sort of routine.
One that at least sees me brushing my teeth and hair before 11am.
And wearing pants.
Probably.
*my fat arse bought those clothes with my own fat arsed money. I am just saying where I got them cause they were cheap.
**for those playing along at home mark Boo losing his disability funding due to some fucking incompetent arsehole, workmates being fuckers and ending up in hospital with burst ovaries and a slipped disc on your Bingo Cards
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
A year….. A year? I won’t add what I think about how going back to work is for someone as lovely & kind as you are when you know that the office people stink. I am proud of you Kel in the sincerest way I can say… Going back to work takes courage, guts & determination. You are gold class lady xxxx
I agree with D.You are gold class.
You will go back to work lovely lady and show those nasty ones what you are made off.
Hope you are feeling so proud of how you are not letting them defeat you.
Such a wonderful example for your family.
You show us all what we can overcome with sheer determination.
Thankyou and you go girl! xx
What a shit of a year you’ve had! Good luck with the return. I also have extraordinarily mixed feelings about going back to my workplace in Jan after 12 months mat leave for various reasons. Also fatter than I should be. Don”t let em get you down!
I always watch your junkfoodcomfortfoodevilfood posts with a little bit of horror, but I never say anything because I do it too. But I would so love to see you feeding yourself regenerating great food, not poisonous stuff. No sugar! Maybe no wheat. No bad oil! Healthy life giving stuff. Udo’s Oil. Vitamin rich stuff. I know it sucks, but it might save you. Sorry for preaching 🙁
Ahh stuff those bitches. They don’t know you *waving finger around*. You know better then them and are better then them. Just kick their arse if they need it.
I hope the return to work goes well and all the snarky colleagues have had a change of heart and realise you are the best thing in the office.
Good luck. From the bottom of my heart.
Kick their arses babe. Kill them with teh awesome. We’ve got your back xox.
Hehe I think for every person that pissed you off at work, take their picture and write a David Thorne type story on them 🙂 http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
What Katesaysstuff said!
They will probably be sooooo happy to see you back, because who’s been holding the fort while you’ve been on leave? No one, that’s who. Wear your invisible crown, and let them make you their queen. And take the roboboot in case you need to kick any ares.
xxx
Good luck returning to work. I hope they don’t suck the life out of you!
Pants are WAY overrated. But, yeah… brush your hair.
Good luck, sweetie!
Good luck seems so obvious to say, but I really do mean it. I cannot begin to imagine what a mindfuck it will be going back there. Feel for you greatly. I’m not actually sure I could even do it! So you’re already kicking goals. There’d be many who probably wouldn’t.
Well, you clearly need to go back in all guns a blazing and fuck some shit up! Nothing like a killer workplace practical joke to show everyone who’s the SHIZNIT.
Before I went on leave I wrapped the entire contents of a girl’s desk in brown paper and stuck all of her favourite things to the ceiling (clearly WAY too much time on my hands). Too. Much. Fun.
Good luck lovely xx
I cannot believe it has been a whole year. Where did *that* go?!
Best of luck – to you, and to them because they are going to be blinded by Teh Awesome and need to scramble to get themselves together again.
<3
Thinking of you. Hope the return to work goes smoothly
I only discovered you in the past year, so I’ve not known Working Girl Kelley. I expect a Melanie Griffith-style workplace revolt. x
You’ll ace work – just because you’re you, Kelley. But I do understand the nervousness. Recent events here have meant I may (or may not!) be returning to work any day now after 4.5 yrs off… and it’s HUGE. Will I cope? Probably not! But you my dear will be filled with all sorts of awesome. Lots of love to you. xx
going back to any work isn’t fun
i don’t care what it is
(unless its working for yourself at home, drinking wine and writing your blog of course!)
Dec 14 – who even dreams up asking someone to return to work in December – geez – surely late January is a more acceptable date?