So it came to pass that I reached an age where I could score myself a mammogram for free.
Needless to say I was GIDDY with delight and chucked in a pap test for shits and giggles.
Sitting in the waiting room with the TV turned to a telemovie about some woman dying of cancer and sitting opposite an old lady staring at my Roboboot like it was my parasitic twin taking a shit on the floor, I was beginning to have second thoughts.
And third and forth and four hundred and five.
Pap tests are icky and mammograms… well I prefer a little sweet talk and maybe a margarita before getting my breasts manhandled.
{who am I kidding. I would settle for a little warning beforehand…}
After what seemed like an age – the woman on the TV was brave and stoic and the woman on the other side of the room was moving closer to get a good look – an enormous kaftan with a head on top motioned for me to follow her.
I took a seat and she asked me all the details I had already filled out before the appointment and entered them into a blank word document. Back spacing and tutting and asking me to spell my name again and again and list all the cancers in my family history.
Her wide eyes and whistling through her teeth when I told her my mother had breast cancer at 50 was NOT comforting at all.
She lectured me about my weight – SERIOUSLY? Do you not own a mirror? Fuck off – and then SHOW me how to do pelvic floor exercises.
By sitting in the chair facing me and grimacing.
Sweet. Yep. Got it. Can I get out of here already?
No. It was time to get my gear off and up onto the bed.
Roboboot and I assumed the position as best we could and she went to work.
And it fucking hurt when she PINCHED me with the spreaderer things. That shit is not supposed to hurt.
Uncomfortable. Yes.
Slightly embarrassing. Fucking oath.
Hurt? Stupid fucking bint.
This did not bode well for the boob squeezing. But I persevered when I discovered that Fifty Shades wasn’t going to perform it.
I managed to get my underwear on before Fifty Shades opened the door to the waiting room – Hello Old Lady! – and I hobbled out wondering if that is going to BRUISE and waited for the Boob Squasher.
It wasn’t long before a smiling woman entered the room and motioned for me to follow her. I don’t know what it was about this chick but I instantly felt comfortable with her. And didn’t feel self conscious at all when I had to take off my top and unroll my boobs from my bra.
She described everything that was happening and gently moved me into position making sure that I was comfortable.
Then it was time to flatten my breasts into oblivion between two plates of plexiglass.
Not my boob. A stunt boob. Thankyou stunt boob for your services.
And you know what? It didn’t hurt at all.
Uncomfortable? A little.
Awkward? Wearing Roboboot and leaning sideways and back slightly HELL YEAH.
Worth it? Totally.
Running in a push up bra is WAY more uncomfortable.
Admittedly, standing in a room topless and then slapping my tit up on cold glass and not getting $20 notes tucked in my g-string is a little unusual, and frankly no where near as fun notthatIwouldknowanythingaboutthatoranything but the chick that performed the mammogram does HUNDREDS a week and I didn’t even feel like an enormous fatty when my belly got in the way.
She even said I had perfect breasts for xraying so she only had to take one.
I always knew my saggy boobs would be useful for SOMETHING.
HUZZAH!
She explained that my xray would be read by two doctors and they would send me the report. And if need be they would call me for another appointment if they need to take another look at my perfect boobs.
So the moral of the story? Go and get your lady tune up. Especially if you are over 40.
And don’t run in a push up bra.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m due to go again, and since I’m aged (do not disclose) I’ve already had two! I must find this funny mammogram cartoon and send it to you, it explains how it all works, but it also describes bricks on boobs and boobs being squashed under car tyres…it’s very appropriate!
Doesn’t radiation give you cancer? XRays are radiation. Think about it. Gave them up years ago. I hope the tests are all OK. You’re a brave woman getting topped and tailed on the same day!!! xo
how about ultrasound then?
I will take my chances…
I need to book mine too… so not looking forward to it, but it has to be done!
so not what I was expecting! Bit squishy but my girls have been through WAY worse with kids.
I salute you lady for doing both in one day!
Better getting them all done in one day… shoulda got my moles checked too and then humiliation DONE.
Ouch. I don’t want to even think about that. When do the lady parts get a break for crying out loud!
Well done you, and thank you for this informative post. Thanks especially for the stunt boob image. I think I’m at the age to pop my mammogram cherry, and you’ve given me exactly the info I’ve been wondering about.
xx
HUZZAH!
I always knew you had perfect boobs.
Yay for you! May the results all be as boring as normal can be.
I had a mammogram & ultrasound a couple of years ago when I developed an abscess in one boob. All those women that moan about uncomfy mammograms should pause and think about having one when you have an abscess. It was nowhere near as bad as I had been led to believe. Just do it already, you deserve to take care of yourself
Best description of a mammogram ever. They should totally print these on the brochures.
My first few mammograms were uncomfortable-but-not-painful too, however the last couple have hurt, (could be something to do with my long-term neck and back pain) so I skipped this year’s. I figure twenty all clear results earns me a year off.
Good for you. I haven’t had one since i’ve had my boobs done. How the Fuck with THAT work? I may just implode
Well, I feel better after reading this, that it doesn’t hurt THAT bad. I’ve been too scared to get mine done.
oh, the joys.
i find that they pinch like a mofo, but i had mine done a couple of weeks ago.
I wish I’d seen this last week when I had to have my first. Mine was for suspicious-mass-type reasons, and not just routine, but the stunt-boob picture alone would have been helpful. They put tiny, metal-bead pasties on my nipples first and took LOTS of images in LOTS of angles, but otherwise sounds quite similar!
I’ve never met you, but I feel love for you when I read your posts. Weird?
Me too. Admitting my internet crush here.
*blushes* you made my day.
x
Big squishy boobs are the best are they not?
Keep in mind that because this is your first and they have no base comparison scans you will probably get called back for the slightest thing. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong, just that they need to double check!
I had one within the last 12 months. Unusual for my age I know but breast cancer is an issue in my family and there was some unpleasant stabbing pains the doc wanted checked out.
Was surprised, after all the build up I expected something far more painful. The cardio stress test thing was way worse.
Urgh! I hate pap tests but this is the reminder I needed that it must be done. Will be the first after pushing a giant turkey out so a little nervous but best to get it over and done with I guess. I love how you unrolled your boobs from your bra. Best description ever!
Lmfao – show me how to do pelvic floor exercises! Hahaha. Love it. Am I doing it right? How about now? How the fuck would you know unless you put your hand inside me? Awkward…
I love you for blogging about this. Hope all is boring and normal.
me too my love. I was thinking about you while I was getting squished.
x
Now hopefully more women will go and get it done knowing that a push up bra is more uncomfortable x
Thanks for the reminder! And what’s with the stunt boobs? I was hoping to see yours!
Thanks for posting this, Kelley. I didn’t get routine mammos done, and that is why my breast cancer was not caught early. I was diagnosed at Stage III, and have since “graduated” to Stage IV.
It doesn’t have to be like that, ladies. Get yourself checked. If you are concerned about the radiation, do self-exams every month and be sure to have a doctor do a manual exam, too. And if your breasts are dense, then get an ultra sound because mammography is less reliable in that case.
It is yucky, but chemotherapy is way worse.
I had my baseline mammo when I was 35 – family C history dontcha know. I’ve had an annual booby smash every year since. I’ll turn 50 Thursday, my 15th smashing is set for the following week. That’s a lot of smashing going on. One test found a lump, a biopsy proved it benign, but made all the smashing worth it. Still it would be nice to be wined and dined before any smashing.
You know what, I had always thought they hurt? I’m 37 later this month, so I have to start thinking about them.
More importantly though, I have to schedule a pap smear. My last one was 9 years ago. It’s appalling. But it was so horrible. It was at my 6 week check up after having Alexander. Not only did it set off a panic attack (there are issues there obviously, going back to childhood), but it was excruciating. And he tore me! I’m not sure what happened, but it was never quite the same. And so I’ve been stalling and stalling for a decade now.
Considering my mother had early stage cervical cancer at 39 I really should do it.(It was early, but they performed a radical hysterectomy the following week, so it was serious enough. She’d actually had a smear done only 5 months earlier, and there was nothing. So something major had happened in a short time. I can’t remember why they made the decision to do one again, but thank goodness. Otherwise it would have been another 18 months).
Thank you for the description of the mammogram though. I worry about mine, as I have ginormous breasts.
Well done Kelley! I had my first one 3 years ago, dreading it immensly because my mum had told me for years how terrible they were. But a strong family history dictated that I had to go through it. You know what? Large, “National Geographic” boobs (ie, sagging) are awesome for mammograms. Yes it is uncomfortable, but it didn’t hurt, and I think that the restriction is more of a problem than anything else. Due to my breast density, I have ultrasounds as well, and that of course is a snack.
I’d far rather go through 15 mins of minor discomfort annually than face what my 34 year old cousin went through with her cancer 3 years ago. Full mastectomy, both sides, and she’s now at risk of ovarian cancer as well.
What is sucky is that although I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago, I still have to have “vault smears” done bi-annually (think pap smear, but the walls of the vagina instead). Your “technician” sounds horrible. Change to someone else. If ever you get hurt by a medical person who ignores your complaint, change. Vote with your feet.