My nanna used to be a world traveller.
Her favourite destination was Egypt, with Paris running a close second.
Under her Christmas Tree she would place all the First Class goodies she would receive – untouched on her flight because she knew we loved them so – and us grandkids would fight to the death to score some airline toiletries.
Eventually over the years as her arthritis got worse – and lets be honest here, my grandfather preferred to have his endless stream of mistresses escort him – and she stopped travelling.
And then stopped leaving the house altogether.
I don’t know if it was a gradual thing or an event sparked it. I was, as all teenagers and then first time mothers are, too wrapped up in my own world to notice that the only time she left the house was to go to the fancy restaurant down the road once a week.
And then my grandfather started bringing her home a doggy bag or when he was overseas, they would deliver.
I was hurt when she wouldn’t come to my wedding. Not understanding that it wasn’t that she wouldn’t as much as she couldn’t.
I thought agoraphobia was a made up thing for movies and lazy people.
Or something to do with goats.
Turns out it is not.
I was supposed to go to an event in the city tomorrow.
A fancy restaurant for the launch of Nads new product.
(No, I was not asked to provide a link, nor am I being paid to do so)
I was really looking forward to seeing my friends and catching up with Moo and maybe even getting me some macarons.
And, you know, leaving the house for a change.
But as I realised that there would be no one there I knew,
That MPS couldn’t come with me (because OF COURSE MOTY will not babysit EVER)
And I would have to catch a bus and then a train…
All. By. Myself.
I couldn’t breathe.
My mouth was dry.
Kinda like how I feel if I have to go to the supermarket alone…
So I did what every other sane and rational person that doesn’t want to go to the doctor cause people will be there and the doctor might ask ‘how are you?’ and I might burst into tears and that would be SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING, I consulted Dr Google.
And Dr Googles old mate Mr Wikipedia informed me that PTSD and agoraphobia go hand in hand like potatoes and bacon, hot salty fries and a cold chocolate shake or a jar of Nutella and a soup ladle.
But in order to confirm Dr Google and his mate Mr Wikipedia’s expert diagnosis I have to leave the house and go to the medical centre where there will be people and a doctor that is TOTALLY going to ask ‘how are you?’ and cause I am out of valium that shit is just not going to happen.
It’s times like this I am totally jealous of Michael Jackson. Not for the dying and the weird skin condition and the pet monkey shit, but he had his own fucking doctor that made house calls and a theme park in his yard.
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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel that my husband gets like that sometimes. He hates going out. he would rather be at home all day everyday. If he didn’t have to work he would be. I’m afraid that I’m kinda being like that too. I don’t want to go outside and have a “life” meet people. Have experiences. Would so love the doctor that will come to your house anytime you want.
They used to. Years ago… I think so many more people would see a doctor if they could chat to them in their own safe environment ya know?
How’s this for some synchronicity shit: I was just discussing with a friend (over instant messenger, natch) how it’s Tuesday and I have not left the house (or bathed, but that’s a totally different issue) since Friday. I had groceries delivered. The internet makes having agoraphobic tendencies convenient AND appealing
On a serious note though, seeing as you’re aware of it, I’m sure you’ll figure that shit out. *hugs*
I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. It is Sunday night.
It is just so easy to NOT leave. I have ordered party stuff and MPS has got groceries.
I am showering each day though. If I wasn’t then I know that it is something deeper. Look after yourself my friend.
Oy my love. I have lived this hell. Fight it like a mother fucker because I spent years afraid of outside. Actually I still have days and it’s an ugly fight when you’d just rather not have to leave your house ever again and you’re seriously cool with that.
The outside world, we need to see you and have you here with us. And no we’re not going to come to your fucking doorstep, get out here!
Ok so I know seriously that didn’t help. But I am here all the time 1800 pinky and at least you can have fellow crazies.
xx I need a plan.
I always need a plan…
Yep. (Says she that forces herself to leave the house every day).
love you.
xx
Sometimes… now that things are easier for me…
I wonder if it is partly that we don’t have the emotional energy to cope with all the everyday challenges of going out, when we are drained by depression or stress. Things that were small issues when we had an abundance of confidence and energy are HUGE when we are running nearly empty all the time.
*hugs* I hope you recharge and can take on the next adventure.
oh. mah. god. YES.
And I have more control over my environment here so the little things that stress me the fuck out are controlled and contained.
I would like no more stress. That would be nice.
Oh sweetie, of all the shit you have to deal with and now this.
As much as you don’t want to, get yourself to a doctor. You need help to overcome this be it chemical or something else. Your awesomeness is too awesome not to share with the outside world simply because your brain has chosen to throw a hissy fit.
Remember there is no shame in asking for help, in fact it is one of the bravest things a person can do.
Yes. This. And do it sooner not later, because it sounds like it will only get worse. And worse.
thanks my loves… reading these comments make me realise that it is a control thing. I need to get out there before it becomes more.
Oh I want to hug you! And eat nutella with a soup ladle x
it is the best way to eat it.
PTSD and agoraphobia absolutely go hand in hand. And I know, because I suffer from both of them too. I can ABSOLUTELY relate to EVERY WORD you wrote in this post.
big love to you my biatch.
PTSD sucks balls.
Maybe you don’t have agoraphobia… maybe your afraid of people and every other thing that’s outside?
I don’t think I do, but I have the potential. Does that make sense?
Perfect sense.
Ok, something to do with goats? LMFAO! Thanks for that.
Also, a few of my family members had agoraphobia (yeah, that’s right, a few, like they think it’s fucking contagious or something) and it can be pretty serious. You really should talk to someone Kel, before you become a hermit. And keep in mind that MJ’s Dr allegedly killed him! xx
Every day I say I will go out tomorrow. And then something happens that gives me the excuse not to.
Tomorrow I will ignore all excuses. Even if it is just to go to the supermarket.
I totally get how you feel. I have young kids and some days just want to stay in bed, but you know the drill – I don’t have any choice, I gots to get up.
However I would accompany you to the launch of a nose wax product, because the ridiculousness of such a product demands the defiance of my mental issues. OMG they might have demonstrations…personally I don’t have a hairy nose – underarms yes, nose no. But God Damn I’d catch three buses for the chance to see some hairy nosed neanderthal have his nose waxed!
Even if you don’t go, look after yourself.
I can’t imagine anyone but those creepy old men with hair sprouting out of their ears AND nose needing it.
But I guess there is a market, eh?
I am in the older age group and have reached a stage where I really can’t be bothered dealing with “would-be-if-they-could-be” types so I simply choose to stay home. Why are people acting like this these days and spoiling it for people like ourselves who are open and honest? It only makes it more difficult. I want to go out to have a laugh with honest people who can admit to life’s shortcomings and make me feel more relaxed in their company instead of inadequate. Unfortunately I am running out of excuses, so perhaps someone could write a blog about believable excuses we could all refer to for handy advice.
Oh matey I am SO so sorry about today
Love you.
back atcha. If I lived closer maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal, ya know?
Do they have locums out in the back of nowhere?
I’m finally climbing out of the agoraphobia hole, thankfrickingoodness. The one thing I tried really really hard to do, was keep in touch with my peeps over email, FB and twitter. I couldn’t deal with phone calls or even online chatting, but if I was messaged and could pretend I hadn’t seen the message for 48 hours while I formulated the perfect response, I was cool. It’s very important to keep in touch with the real world however you can, because it makes it feel like it’s just a holiday, and not your life from now on.
Pills help, Efexor for me, maybe something else for you. Find out if there’s a Mental Health team for your area, because they can send out an OT to be all nice and wotnot. Email if you want/need more awesome insider tips, like how to convince yourself you won’t drown in the shower because it’s been 2 weeks and even your husband is wincing slightly when he lays next to you
wow… yes about the emails. I have got to the point where MPS is making all calls for me and I keep marking stuff in my emails as unread so I can go back to them…
Look after yourself girl, it sounds like we are even more alike than we thought!
Yes. Check and check. Comes and goes… we get there. You will too. xxx
I don’t know what to say either , that hasn’t been said… (hugs)
PS I want hot salty fries too !
I ALWAYS do.
ALWAYS.
x
I had to go buy some you know yesterday – $1 McD’s and the young chick behind the counter just stared at me o_O
Potatoes and bacon. It doesn’t surprise me. I have had snippets of this too, just enough for me to know I don’t want it again (like it’s a choice!). I can imagine how hellish it is for you. And I’m so hoping it leaves you instantly. Big love. xxx
My soup ladle won’t fit in my Nutella jar.
I’d better buy a bigger jar…
Find a doctor who does house calls, and like Lady Fabulous says, find a Mental Health team for some therapy if you can.
I often don’t want to leave the house either, but that’s just because I’m heartily sick of the get up and go to work, come home again, get up and go to work, come home again routine. That’s why I love my 3 day weekends so much.
LOL I’d better buy a bigger jar…
I wish the tomorrow thing had worked out better. Lunch in a swish restaurant is lunch in a swish restaurant, nose wax or no nose wax. Please go see someone who will ask how you are. Can’t believe I’m sharing this, but the person I went to last week who was supposed to ask me that was nodding off in his chair, ffs. I *wish* he’d asked more of that sort of question.
I want to see you in person soon xxx
it is like you are a burden to doctors these days isn’t it? I am not even shocked that your doc was nodding off.
One day we will have lunch in a swish restaurant together. Deal? I am just waiting for the call from Tattslotto and to buy my helicopter.
NOW I want nutella with a ladle. Bugger it, I am now going to have to drive to the shop because we don’t have any in the cupboard. I am going to have to LEAVE THE HOUSE because of this post…
Seriously, I do hope you are ok and that you get to the doctor and get through the visit. Reward yourself when you get home xx
can you send me a jar? MPS wont go and get me any more.
Babe, remember the Spongebob episode where he breaks his bottom?
BWAAAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAA
*hugs*