I have a friend who, on the school holidays before she left for work, would disconnect the modem.
She would leave a note for her boys to hang out the washing.
Throughout the day she would get panicked and desperate text messages from said boys pleading for her to disclose the whereabouts of the modem.
The modem, along with a smiley face thank you, was sitting on top of the wet washing in the washing machine.
They never did find the modem.
Stupidly, I would just ASK my children to help me out.
Cause I was like WORKING and RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD and had a kid who didn’t sleep and smeared his shit in lovely patterns on the walls and more often than not I had some rare tropical disease or was hobbling around in a RoboBoot.
And all I was asking was them to hang the washing on the line cause I have a SPORTS INJURY to my shoulder.
Shutup. Tendonitis in my shoulders from surfing porn is totally a sports injury.
Alas after 5 rewashes I would hobble out and hang the fucking stuff up myself. OR they would get on the internet (see above clever mothers) and bitch and moan about how unfair I was and then get their friend to do it for them.
True story.
So now I just have my 6ft toddler at home, and while the fecal murals have reduced to special appearances and he is staying in his room most of the night, I am still in need of new ideas to get kids to do shit that they should just fucking do cause they are part of this family dammit.
Like brushing teeth so I don’t get knocked down by the scent of death in the morning before my coffee.
Paying him a dollar a day was met with rolling of eyes.
(where do they LEARN that? Is it a class in school? Is it a primal urge? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?)
TEN dollars a week with ‘meh’
So now we are PAYING him FIFTEEN DOLLARS A WEEK TO BRUSH HIS OWN DAMN TEETH so he can eat a steak when he is 40.
And I don’t even fucking COOK steak.
Let alone be able to afford it now that I am paying him to brush his teeth.
Next I will be paying him to wipe his arse.
NOT on the wall.
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Call it what you will but bribery is always the bestest.
Mwah.
And wtf is it with the Breath of Death first thing in the mornings???
his breath used to smell so sweet. I loved cuddling him awake when he was little… now I just want to empty an entire tube of toothpaste and a box of mints down his throat.
And lets not get started on the smells coming from his room.
Bribery works. I recently paid Annie $20 to wear a dress to a wedding and pay the girls freaking fortune to do their chores.
I don’t know what to say. I never know what to say. But please know that I love your posts.
Bloody hell, Kelley you could try to breathe all over him instead. On the medical side…. it may pay to get him pro biotics for his gut flora. It may have a yeast over growth. Otherwise, chuck him an apple from afar. I’m reading your posts and having a laugh and a cry now and then but I’m with you every step of the way. XO
Damn there was my MOTY award… I wouldn’t pay my eldest to clean his teeth when he was younger. If they fall out, he can learn to live with falsies. Over fighting with him every freaking day about his teeth!
Maybe you are just smarter than me. *sigh*
Yessss- Saw that one a few days ago and made a mental note of it. Champion idea I say!
Also, possibly kinder, not to mention more legal than my current method of telling H I won’t give him any food until his room is tidy. I am mean like that.
Shite! I’m bribing with chocolates for the girls to make their fucking beds every day and its not working.
Omg. Maybe I should pay my daughter to wash her hair. No, to let me wash her hair. She’s turning into a 9 year old bag lady. I’m expecting to have a diagnosis some time next month – looks like I’m joining your club, guys.
Every payment plan we establish fails…
Our boys would rather go without. So we violate their personal space and make them do things. They hate that way more.
ox
The Damn Emos we exactly the same. That is why I wished I did the wifi password thing.
I’ll remember that for when they get to big to man handle…
I have visions of a money/sticker chart combo with $5 notes being pinned on his door
I remember bribing my older daughter to clean her room by leaving notes on her pillow, threatening to move her back in with her sister if she didn’t. It worked for quite a few years. Once they got to be teenagers I didn’t care so much, their doors were closed a lot so I didn’t see the mess.
Apart from that, they did help around the house. I have photos of them doing the dishes, cooking, weeding in the garden. (With no money changing hands).
Of course this was the 70′s and 80′s, we didn’t have computers, only a few hand-held games and the TV.
I think the trick is starting them helping from a very young age. When they’re eager to help and want to be with you. Two year olds can carry stuff to and from tables, sink, laundry etc, they can copy you with a mini duster, they love to stir stuff in pots and bowls in the kitchen.
Do you pay him BEFORE as a bribe or AFTER as a reward? My dad (the fool) paid my brother $20 to mow the lawn. My bro took the $20 and went out with his mates. Mowed the lawn a month later and asked to be paid again. True story.
There’s no such thing as yeast overgrowth, otherwise we’d never have decent beer or wine. Tell that kid if he doesn’t brush his teeth regularly I will come over and personally hold him down while a dentist pulls all the damn teeth out so he doesn’t have to worry. And he can pay my fare!