This time last year I lost my mind.
I was laying in a fancy hotel room on our annual weekend away to catch up on a years worth of sleep (as an aside, now even THAT has been taken away from us. YAY CUTBACKS!) when something came on the TV that snapped my brain in half.
It is irrelevant what the actual thing was as it is too long and messy and then I shall have to speak of things that I cannot speak of, but it was unexpected and a violent crack of my psyche that even now I am still trying to repair.
In that moment I was transported back to that week, that horrific week where everything changed and we descended into the horror of The Big Bad Thing and I was transformed into a broken and forever bleeding shell that is patched up with bandaids and hugs and hot salty fries.
We are about to go away again. Only one night, funded by us in the aftermath of redundancy and extended leave without pay, to go to our not legally but for ease of explainations sake adoptive daughters 21st birthday party.
And of course, that thing that had me transfixed and broken while brain cells liquified and dark thoughts took over in a fancy hotel room with 24 hour room service and extra soft pillows is a news story again.
My trigger.
In the middle of a time where I am only just emerging from the fire and shaking the ash from my plumage.
Where so. much. more. has happened but the events of that week, and all the weeks afterwards, still are foremost in my mind.
I will not allow this to take me.
I have been fighting it off for so long I don’t know what else to do but stand here, sword in hand, blunt from years of slaying.
I am determined that I am strong enough – or stupid enough – to enjoy this weekend and have a fucktonne of fun.
And pretend to be a normal person for a while.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Go. Pretend. Just be. xxxxxxx I hope you find even the briefest moments of the respite you so desperately deserve.
Hugs and <3
I once asked a very special type of doctor.. (lol) how I was supposed to go back into the world, he answered “fake it till you make it baby”. Which means that pretending is professionally advised…
Have fun.
oxox
Fake it til you make it is how I get through life. U really know absolutely nothing. You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. Macarons for you. And Margaritas. And a tiara. Keep both your shoes though, ‘kay?
Xxx
Oops, damned arthritic fingers! That is ‘I really know nothing’, not ‘U’!!!
#facepalm
Thank god! I couldn’t work out who pissed you off! lol!
Dear gods! I meant that I fake it so much I’m not sure I actually do ever make it!*
*except for orgasm. Brilliant at that.
Lucky you!
Have a great time, you deserve it!
I’m on board with the faking crew, too.
Enjoy those pillows, and the party!
I am wishing fun on you, god knows you deserve it.
DON’T TURN ON THE TELLY!
(unless it’s to watch that special grown-up channel)
*hugs*
Throw on a smile and an awesome pair of heels and EN-fuckin-JOY!!!
<3 Love you
*hugs lovely*
Go hon, you can do this.
It will be a challenge but you are up to it. We are with you. xxXOoo
Party like it’s 1999 sweetie.
Then sharpen that sword and keep slaying those demons.
Order room service up the wazoo, read a good book, have a bath, eat macarons, fake it where you have to, fuck em all.
That’s all I’ve got
Carol
X
You will have fun. You can’t not with Moo and Ring-in-Ranga. xxx
Have a great time. Once you face your trigger and nothing bad happens, you’ll feel so amazing!
god yes, porn is better than the news. That’s my motto. Glad you did have fun xx
I’m with the faking camp. I’ve been faking it for a solid year and am going away later in the year for a protracted period of intensive LALALALALA denial which will either stabilise things or make them blow up/crumble which they have been getting progressively closer to doing. *draws breath* Hope this weekend turned out well for you xoxo