I have lured you here with my devious title promising something for YOU to talk about ME.
Mothers Day specifically.
If we cast our minds back we will remember that due to ‘issues’ and ‘circumstances’ Mothers Day last year was postponed.
And we all went on our merry way and celebrated birthdays and Fathers day and Christmas and all the other days that I painstakingly make awesome for you all.
So with all that in mind (and remembering that someone has a 50th coming up and someone else has a 21st) I declare this Mothers Day a DOUBLE MOTHERS DAY!
TWICE the presents!
TWICE the adoration!
TWICE the dozen macarons!
Kinda like a double rainbow with Neil Patrick Harris but AWESOMER.
The day shall start AFTER 8am, a latte brought to me and my pillows fluffed while I sit regally in my bed as my children regale me with tales of their fabulous childhood curtesy of The Greatest Mother In The World.
Said tales can be set to music with Jazz Hands but I draw the line at Fosse because the bedroom is just too small to do it justice.
And then the first round of gifts can be presented.
my bladder I deem it time to get up you can go and arrange my platter of dark chocolate dipped strawberries and macarons while I throw on a bra so no one sits on my nipples get dressed and move to the lounge where I will sip lattes and eat my breakfast while someone massages my feet.
I shall admire the bouquets of yellow daisies while the rest of my presents are brought in.
At some point MOTY will turn up expecting her dues, you lot will deal with her while I instagram pictures of all my lovely gifts and MACARONS making every other mother jealous of my DOUBLE Mothers Day.
Lunch will be presented High Tea style… detailed instructions will be on the fridge. Get familiarised the DAY BEFORE with the process, I don’t want to have to wait.
And blackberry jam WITHOUT pips for my scones.
Now for the most important thing that I lured you all here for: The Presents.
I have many many lists of items I desire that you have all wilfully ignored over the years and pulling out the old chestnut ‘we didn’t know what you waaaaaaaaaaaaant’ or the especially lazy ‘how about you buy yourself something from us’ just will not cut it anymore.
You pull that shit this year I am buying an ipad and then will be instagraming pictures from my villa in Bali that you gave me for Mothers Day. BTW I sold everything you own to pay for it.
And your kidney. Only one each, I am saving the others for my return.
So if you ever want to wear a bikini again I suggest you trawl through my blog to find me the perfect gift that I have totally asked for previously.
Or if you insist on being complete lazy arses make sure that the above demands are met and I would totes love some fluffy bedsocks and a pair of grey converse, size 9. (will accept orange or teal as well)