I fear I am going to have to resort to this.
For the last year or so – you know since his OCD diagnosis so hello meds making him hungry all the damn time – Boo has been waking up in the middle of the night.
Technically since THE DAWN OF TIME Boo has been getting up in the middle of the night, but up until a year ago he would bound out of bed, turn on every motherfucking light in the motherfucking house and have himself a motherfucking RAVE PARTY complete with whatever song he had on loop at the time.
It is a toss up between ‘They are coming to take me away’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ to be the song that finally sent me batshit crazy.
I think the neighbours would agree that the obsession with salsa music was pretty fucking horrific too.
Lately though, because I have been trying to monitor his calorific intake and because although he is a four year old 13 year old in a mans body he also has a genius IQ, he has worked out that if he closes my door reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally quietly and if he doesn’t body slam all the walls on his way to the kitchen, he can eat whatever the fuck he likes without that pesky mother whining that he just ate ALL THE FUCKING CHICKEN THAT WAS FOR DINNER TONIGHT OMG!!!1!!!!1!
Well until she finds the foil on the floor of his room after he has gone to school.
Bastard butthead child.
He has also devised a way of removing food from the kitchen while I am awake.
First he takes said item out of the fridge/pantry and places it on the bench.
Then after a few minutes of dancing and spinning with glee he returns to move the item to the table – close to the door to the hallway and ultimately the bathroom.
Then, after what he has deemed a suitable amount of time according to starvation levels, he will move the item from the table to the table in the hallway and then he will take off down the hallway to lock himself in the bathroom to devour the spoils of his mission.
Now this food is not junk food.
It is food that I am quite happy for him to eat – apples, oranges, rice crackers, sandwiches (OMG the production for a sandwich is comical with him only putting 1 slice of cheese, the meat/more cheese/lettuce doing the dance of illusion above) WHOLE KILO BAGS OF GRAPES, cooked chicken that was for motherfucking dinner…
It is just the AMOUNT that I need to curtail as his weight is ballooning.
So tell me, dear readers with boys (or brothers – yes TECHNICALLY I have a brother but he was pretty much non existent to me from the age of 6 till, well, until he gave me a sister in love…) how much are these creatures supposed to eat?