I didn’t go to ante natal classes.
Well we went a few times but they were full of OLD PEOPLE with their judgey eyes especially when MPS had to work and my mother came with me.
And WHAT THE FUCK there was no ‘breathe, breathe’ and the huffing and puffing like in the movies it was all ‘do what your body wants’ and ‘you can lie on this bean bag or in the water of a bath if it feels good for you’ which 19 year old me felt was especially gross cause OMG baby ick all over me?
Hellz no.
I got all I needed to know about pregnancy from a TV movie I watched in the eighties called ‘Sidney Shorr: A girls best friend’ with Tony Randall which I watched a billion times when I was nine.
So to me, pregnancy consisted of Long White Socks worn with over sized jumpers, eating whatever the fuck you wanted and panting and lamaze.
In reality it was gaining 30 kilos and wrapping myself around the gas bottle cylinder only letting go when they needed to refill it.
Today, however, I put that shit to good use.
LITERALLY.
I woke with a bit of a stomach ache. A continuation of the motherfucking bitch of a stomach ache I had had for the last couple of days.
My body found a solution and I felt a little better until I was halfway to Boo’s school.
Boo’s school that is over an hour round trip.
OMG so many bumps in the road.
OMG the bowels of hell had taken residence in my midsection.
Breathe through it Kelley… breathe FOR THE LOVE OF THE SEAT COVERS AND YOUR AWESOME BUT UNWISE CHOICE TODAY OF ALL DAYS BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED SKIRT, BREATHE!!!!!
It came in waves. Waves of pain and nausea and the almost irresistible urge to push.
Of course I hit every pot hole in the southern hemisphere as well as every fucking light turned red.
I was breaking into a sweat and breathing hard, not making eye contact with any of the other drivers lest they think I am in labour and stop to help me out.
I finally made it home, thankful for my breathing education from crappy TV movies and the rest I shall leave to your imagination.
In a few hours I have to go and pick Boo up.
I may wear a plastic bag.
Pray for me.
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I love you. You make me laugh with almost every post. I feel your pain though. Been there and failed.
I am pretty sure I wouldn’t be joking about it if I ‘failed’.
Who am I kidding… I would probably live blog the clean up.
Woman, I was eating…
perfect.
HUZZAH!
Snort! I’m sure that was more fun to read than it was to experience. I’m sure. x
lol, yep, that breathing crap from the movies was useless for birth (and I didn’t do the stupid classes either. Did one and thought pfft, not wasting my time here).
Good luck with the bag this arvo. Fingers crossed all is good by then.
Oh dear! I think you need to find an oversized jumper.
Haha gross! was it a boy or a girl? my hubby often says hes got to go and “give birth” or hes going to “drop the kids off at the pool” half strength lemonade and dry wholemeal toast for u now doll!
I am pretty sure we are married to the same man.
Welcome to three hours of my life last night after I went to bed. Pregnancy sucks the big one.
For a minute there I thought the blog post was about you not knowing you were pregnant and giving birth roadside. There is a reality show about that…
it used to be ‘there is porn about that’ and now EVERYTHING has a reality show.
This comment reply brought to you by season 4 RHONY. Heh.
Yes! Yes! That is exactly what it is like!!!!!
I know, right?
I thought I was going to hyperventilate.
I feel your pain. You forgot to mention the cold sweats the pain brings on. Charcoal capsules or tablets will help but better buy some pull on Tena products… I’m sorry that I laughed at your dilemma. xo
considering it has been nearly a week I may have to take your advice re the charcoal
I hear that the thing to do when you have a long drive is chuck on an adult size nappy… Or maybe that’s just for half crazed astronauts.
Been there and failed, too. As have most of my mates. Long drives in the back of armored vehicles with no stops and dodgy local food will do that. It became so passé in the end we even stopped making fun of it. I hope you never reach that point! May all your bowel concerns be remarkable. There’s a fortune cookie quote for you
I am icing that on a cake.
Chocolate of course.
“Our father in Heaven
Magnetobold is calling your name.
Her Kingdom is crashing down,
her will to be done,
on her toilet, not in heaven.
She needs no more daily bread,
just forgiveness on her travels.
As she is tempted to wear plastic,
deliver her from evil.
Give her power and Glory
for ever and ever
Boo”
Prayer done! Hope you feel better soon!
bwaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa!
I wonder why they don’t produce videos for people who have to give birth urgently to food babies? Might stop a lot of road accidents! Sit on a towel and pack a spare pair of knickers just in case.
oh! I’ve done that too, except I was walking and at least an hour from home. Doesn’t that breathing come in SO handy!
Not for actual birth though, there I had that gas mask practically cemented to my face.
Classic!
Your whole debacle reminds me of several years ago when my girls were little and my best friend and I, along with her daughter, were all in the car, smack dab in the middle of no-stores-in-sight, on a loooong road trip. My friend suffers from IBS and it was nothing if not surprising how rotten the timing was when it reared it’s nasty head.
So she is driving and doing the bounce gently up and down while squirming and rapid breathing. Sweating like a pig, too, as I remember. We are frantically looking for SOMEPLACE, ANY PLACE, where she can run in and drop trou. I noticed that the back seat had gotten very quiet and looked back there to see if they had all bailed out at the last red light. I will never forget the three sets of huge eyes in terrified 10 and 11 year old faces riveted to the front seat. If my friend hadn’t been about pass out from the cramps and send us all to a fiery death I would have laughed my ass off at them.
Long story short, (oops… I did it again, huh), found a Walmart and she ran in, did the deed, purchased some Tucks Medicated Wipes, and some extra panties and shorts, (just in case), and we were all good to go again.
I never let those girls forget that road trip.
oh. my. God.
Laughed my jelly botty off.