Every day she waits for me.
Ironically, this woman – I am assuming mother of a student but she only talks of her 23 year old – waits outside the office where I collect Boo from the mainstream school.
I say ironically as she has from what I can gather, for want of a better term, a brain injury. (I saw her a few months back with the side of her head shaved with stitches.)
It is the mainstream school where she waits, and not the special school where many of the parents I meet were past students.
And then I say ironically but since Alanis did her little number on us in her questioning song, I am always questioning my actual use of the word ironic. Which may actually be irony in its most delicious form… but I digress.
This woman asks me questions and berates me for not doing my housework and compliments my shoes.
She tells me I look younger than her daughter and that I am lucky to have all (that she assumes) I have.
She asks me to guess her age and the ages of her children and what the weather is going to be tomorrow.
She sits with her green shopping bag in her shapeless clothes and talks in a gibberish that I can occasionally decipher but she seems so damn grateful for someone to talk to I smile and nod.
(I wonder, am I just one more brain fart away from being her? For the grace of God go I)
The office ladies thank me for being nice to her, they tell me others are not so ‘kind’.
I leave the word hanging in the air, not wanting to hear what others say or do.
For fucks sake how hard is it to be nice to someone who is so obviously lonely (damn, I know how that feels) for 10 minutes?
Today, like every other day, she was waiting for me.
I walked in and sat down and she asked me if I had done my womans work today and I said no, I was too busy playing on the computer.
Which is only half a lie.
I was shopping for shoes online.
There is a difference.
She tells me all she has done – man, how does one woman have so much washing if she is wearing the same clothes every time I see her? – and then compliments my shoes.
Then she walks over to me and sits down.
‘Do you ever feel so depressed that you want to shoot yourself in the head?’
Hell. How the fuck do I answer that?
‘Please don’t do that. Nothing is ever that bad. Trust me.’
‘Do you like me? Am I a nice woman? Do you think I am a nice woman?’
She looks at me strangely as she asks this and I have no idea how to take her expression. Her teeth are bared but her eyes are glistening. I don’t know if this is smiling because usually when she smiles it doesn’t quite make it to her eyes…
‘I need money for me and my daughter to get a drink’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Can you give me five dollars? Ten dollars? Twenty?’
‘No’
‘Why not? I have no money Centrelink cut me off’
‘I’m sorry, no. And Centrelink wouldn’t cut you off. I get Centrelink benefits’
It is the first time I have told someone that, why do I feel burning shame creep into my cheeks?
‘There is a problem. I won’t have any money for WEEKS! Give me five dollars’
I turn away from her. I really don’t know how to deal with this situation. I am stuck here in this airless room waiting for Boo and she is berating me for money.
I get up and walk across the room.
‘You hate me now’
‘I don’t hate you’ I say, but I can’t look at her ‘It is just not appropriate to ask someone for money’
I am treating her like Boo, trying to teach her the social niceties which is not my place to do and quite frankly is fucking condescending of me but I just don’t know what to do…
She gets up and walks out, slamming the door as she goes.
I walk up to the ladies at the office who saw something was going on, but couldn’t hear the exchange through the sliding glass window.
‘You can take me off the list of nice people now’
I feel bad.
I worry was me turning her down the final straw – I know how fucking ARROGANT of me, but I know people have done things to themselves for much less.
Or, is this what she does? Plays on the conscience of other parents and is that what the office ladies see through their glass window? People pissed off that they have been played?
What would YOU have done?
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{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I would have said no. You’re not horrible. If I could feed every homeless person, I would. If I could clothe them, I would. But I will never enable a user.
I would have said no.
I would’ve felt like shit about it, but the five, ten or twenty dollars I gave to someone else to buy lord knows what, could have bought fresh vegetables or meat for my own children’s dinner.
Never feel shamed about where your income comes from.
The money is not your’s. It’s your children’s.
You did something admirable in saying ‘no’.
She needs to know this is not an acceptable thing to demand of people who are kind hearted.
Honestly, this post is fuckin freaky. I knew a lady once, who you could have written this about. She’s dead now, so I know it’s not her. Every detail though, her.
What you did is what I would have done. What I HAVE done so many times over.
You’re not one of the unkind.
She asked you for money for her and her daughter to Get A Drink. There is your answer.
I had a bloke approach me in the city last year – he spun a yarn about needing an asthma puffer from the chemist. He needed $10 he said. I called his bluff- I offered to go to the chemist with him and pay for an inhaler….. but he said he didn’t need me to “waste my time” by coming with him, he’d get it himself. I told him that I either bought him an inhaler for his “bad asthma” or I called an ambulance for him. He declined and then spun a different yarn about it being for his kid I then asked him if he was happy to take money from a widow with two small children to raise. He quickly walked away.
There’s such a lot to talk about with this post, I really feel for you! So hard for her, so hard for us. It always comes back to the cash… I’ve been in this situation many times and sadly these days I don’t stop to talk much. I feel awful every single time, but I can’t handle the inevitable cash question.
But if I could answer that – right thing, wrong thing – I reckon we would have solved most of the world’s problems right here. x
You tried to do the right thing, you were nice to her, but after a certain point you have to do exactly what you did. At least you were up front about thinking she was being inappropriate, instead of being rude and just walking away.
Jeeze… that’s a hard one. I usually get embarrassed when confronted with ‘not the norm’. Specially if my partner is with me as he is a so narrow and never wants to get involved type of man.
If you had given her what money you could spare, would she ask you every time she saw you? Probably. I wonder what her story is? xo
I would have done the same thing Kelley. You are not bad or unkind. I know this is a rather short and vague response/comment.. but really I don’t think I can say anything more. This is not for your conscience to erode with. Ok I just said two more things. x
I like the way you told her it was inappropriate.
It is not bad, it is not unkind, it was generous and, yes, nice of you. Not only did you say no, you also tried to help her learn from it. And you left her feeling not hated, frustrated yes, but not hated.
I think it is a damn hard situation for anyone to be in, and you handled it perfectly.
You are nice, and justified in your appropriate reaction.
Can I have $5? …
You tried to be nice and she took advantage of you. There is no guilt to be had, just think that she gave up someone who was willing to socialise with her for the chance of $5.
She’s lonely because she doesn’t value people’s company.
It’s sad that her life has taught her this, it’s lovely that you tried to provide a better alternative for her.
I think anyone in your shoes would do the same, in both listening and not ignoring her AND in refusing the money. I don’t understand why people can’t give others the courtesy of a friendly, safe place, and “kind” is such an under-used and under-appreciated quality these days (when miss 5 described her buddy from school as “kind” both her Dadda & I commented on how rare you hear the word, and how wonderful it was for her to use it). However, i think if you had given her money she would keep coming back wanting more.
Don’t be beating yourself up over this Kelley. You were nice to her, even while saying no to the handout, you couldn’t have done more or differently.
I regularly say no to a young man locally, who goes from door to door trying to sell a small box of weetbix for $5 or $10, promising to pay the money back “next week”.
You were appropriately assertive. You absolutely did the right thing.
I would have given it to her. And then I would have been in agony everytime i went to the office to wait for Boo. So you did the RIGHT thing. I would have done the WRONG thing out of a screaming need to be liked. Pathetic.
It’s only the situation that i think warrants refusal. The daily-ness of it. I actually don’t mind giving a homeless / nearly homeless / troubled person money for a drink. I actually would rather them be honest about it. I’ve been abused by well-dressed passersby for “facilitating a social problem” by doing so… but I just can’t always help but thing “there but for the grace of modern medicine go I”. And FARK I would need a drink.
You *are* nice, but you’re not a pushover. There is a difference.
For a drink? No. How could you knowing that, and in a school? Down the street, on her own terms – she can make her own choices. But not like this. So hard, big hugs xx
You were assertive. Tops points to you, straight to the head of the class. You might feel crap about it, but it’s not your job to take care of her… a line has to be drawn somewhere and there’s a big difference between just being a nice person to someone and then giving them money. You did good x
Good on you for putting her in her place, even if it upset her its not ok to ask for money for drink at a school! It’s so hard to know how to act in situations like this.. Kudos to you for doing it well.. Glad your kiddo wasn’t there to see it.
Oh hun that is hard. I don’t think you can take responsibility for another adult. I wouldn’t have given her money either, there is nice and there is being taken advantage of.
I actually think it was wrong of her to ask. She barely knows you!
I would have said no also.
I think the way that you spoke to her, that you explained that what she asked wasn’t ok was very kind of you. Maybe she won’t understand it in the moment, but I think she will be thinking about it and will learn something from it.
Been in a similar position myself with a woman who used to come to our church occasionally. Brains fried by drug-taking, and probably a mental illness as well. I lent her money sometimes and she paid it back — but I knew her much better than you know this woman before I started. And I was warned she still hung around with the local dealers, so I never managed to give her more than $5 at a time. She died some years ago: heart; I guess the long-term effect of either the methadone or the previous heroin.
Was peeved then, as you are now, by people who wanted their discomfort at her poverty and craziness eased more than they wanted to be kind.
You are nice, and sadly you can not give money to someone like that sadly. It doesn’t end, I know. And yet, I got sucked in the other day. I rarely do, but it was just a bit of money and I had it, and the difference was I wasn’t going to see this girl again and she may have been genuine. But you’ll probably have to see this woman every day and as you say, it’s inappropriate. I think you did the right thing. I love you babe. x
Give her money and she would probably have been there waiting for you the next day.
I’m of the impression you’re not rich yourself, I’m sure you do good things for others. But this was not a situation I would have jumped into. Such an awkward situation, you seemed to handle it as best as you can.
every … freaking … thing … you did. i would have talked to her, and burned that other people had so little time and compassion to do so. and i would have felt trapped and a little used that it ended up that way, a demand for money that i didn’t feel comfortable giving, and wouldn’t have given. it was your empathy that told you to talk to her, and your understanding that refused the payment. xt
I work hard for my money and I have LOTS of people I’m supporting. They have first priority over some woman in an offisce.
You did the right thing. (If you were a Tattslotto billionaire…, maybe you could’ve slung her a fiver, but that isn’t the case.)
Oops. office.
It’s late and I’ve worked all day and then done a demo. I’m tired. Good night!
She would have pissed me off too.
I only give money to real hardcore junkies and winos in the street. Because they are seriously about to die.
I’m not the most sympathetic of people having lived in developing countries where people with missing legs/limbs slithered along the ground and if they were really lucky, they had rubber gloves.
As a result, though I feel sorry for people quite often I rarely give anyone any $ if they ask. Though if I do I don’t care what they spend it on as I figure that’s their business.
I think you did the right thing as you are gonna see this woman again and again….
I would of done the same.
Ps, love mps comment.
I would have done the same, hon. There’s being nice to somebody, but you need to have a bond with someone (and a damn deep one too, someone who’s like family through and through), for that to be even remotely appropriate. You know?
My son has his own mental issues and I asked him once if he felt his disorders were ever an excuse to do things he knew were inappropriate. He told me that it wasn’t a ‘get out of jail free card’ for people to act any way they wanted when they could control their behavior.
I would have done exactly what you did. Doesn’t make either of us mean.
You were nice!
I suck at being nice. Telling her it was inappropriate was the honest and best answer.
Mentally unstable people are attracted to me all the time, for some reason.
You handled it perfectly.
And listen, I am running late with your box, but I PROMISE I am working on it.
Absolutely no right answer.
Had typed in a tale about a friend’s mother…but deleted the whole lot. Despite claiming I wasn’t making assumptions based on what you just wrote – it sure sounded like I was with my story.
I think you are awesome, always. And clearly you have awesome shoes, there is a general consensus on that. So therefore you shouldn’t doubt yourself.
You handled it as well as I would’ve hoped to, had it been me.
What an uncomfortable situation! Ugh!
I would have said no. Probably because I wouldn’t have had a spare $5/10/20 – you are not the only one on Centrelink, lady!
I would have felt awful but I would have said no.
xx
Oh my. I would have done the same as you. I would NOT have given her any money. What a sad story.
I will bet a good part of money I don’t have, that there are so many more layers to this story, than you will ever know.
One thing for sure is, that you have done something that is out of the normal for her. You treated her nice. I don’t know her, but a solid guess is, that this has made her both happy and uncomfortable. By doing what she did, she has pushed you into the role she knows how to handle best – the one she has most experience with – the same as the others, rejection.
That is her world, her need, and you cannot help her with that. And threatening to kill herself is so fucking out of order, it is not funny. She is sucking you into her misery – giving you a responsibility for her life that you don’t need and should not have. NOT YOURS! Not yours at all! Walk away.
Oh dear, that is so, so sad. I’m sorry to hear that and you know what? There’s no right answer. Giving her the money is inappropriate too and it’s just a very sad situation. I think you approached it with compassion and fair judgement
Oh good Lord, the same thing you did. Bless her heart. And I don’t mean that in the condescending way most people in the southern US do when being said about someone whose motives are suspect.
As I have told you before, brain injuries and I are old acquaintances. She COULD possibly just need lots of help with boundaries. Who knows?
Regardless, it will do her no harm to just tell her kindly that you can’t help her and demanding it that way is not a good idea.
You did fine, hon. You need your money. You don’t need to buy her drinks. This isn’t one you need to feel guilty about.
Being nice to her and talking to her is enough – it doesn’t mean you have any responsibility to her other than that.
Well, that basically just sucks. I’m sorry. But it sounds like you handled it really well.
I would just say “I cannot give you any money as I have no money to spare. Now go and see your caseworker at CentreLink”. If she protested, I would just keep saying it. If she seemed genuinely suicidal I would get the ladies on the desk to call Lifeline. You do not deserve to have the bother of this poor creature as well as your own & I think the same for me. Definitely don’t feel guilty because you KNOW that you cannot fix things for her & that’s that.
Hell of a situation. You were perfectly kind. I don’t know what I would have done, would have had to be there. Sounds like you handled it pretty well actually.