I have the best trolls ever.
Not only do they entertain me with their tenuous grasp of the English language and their amazingly wonderful names like Kelleysucks and Ihateyou but they also help me earn money by trawling my archives to find reasons to attack me.
Because CLEARLY I don’t beat myself up enough.
The latest kerfuffle – and alas I thought I would have curtailed any feather ruffling with my clarification at the end – has to do with me not being enamoured with those that expect their readers to buy them shit.
It has been pointed out to me, NUMEROUS TIMES by my adoring readers *waves to hate69 and whodoyouthinkyouare* that I have apparently begged for money on this here blog.
I BEG to differ, oh dear friends of the internet.
Sponsorship to go to a conference and blog advertising is offering a service for payment.
Putting up a widget on your sidebar and telling your readers to spread the word cause mummy needs a new SAAB is another thing entirely.
{just a heads up, mummy DOES need a new SAAB and I will totally tattoo your company logo on my arse if you get me one. SEE? MOTHERFUCKING SPONSORSHIP!}
Putting a tip jar – which I haven’t done but have been asked to – is again a different thing.
Tip Jar = throwing a few shekels a bloggers way cause you like what you read and would like to show them in a monetary fashion.
Insisting your readers pay you for your time so you can fuck around on the internet while they pay for someone to do your floors.
{seriously, if you want to do my floors you are totally welcome}
Complaining that your dishwasher broke and now your new manicure is fucking RUINED is worlds away from mentioning in every fucking post/twitter/facebook message how hard your life is and how IF ONLY someone would buy you a new dishwasher like so and so has IT IS SO UNFAIR and while they are at it you wouldn’t mind a gift certificate for a years worth of manicures.
Posting every other day about what you just listed in your Ebay shop and while you ARE asking way above retail for something you have had for years, you desperately need the money because SERIOUSLY hosting a blog costs money and you are reading this shit for FREE, cannot be compared to having a link in your sidebar to your Etsy store.
FRIENDS you have made on the internet sending you chocolate – OMG I LOVE YOU GUYS – and cards and flowers when you are ill does not equate to putting one of those ticker things on your sidebar telling people how much more cash you require to get a new xbox.
Apples and well, hippogriffs people.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve been getting a few of your beloved trolls, they are just dandy lil specks of crud.
Screw em, you’re allowed to have an opinion.
Jayne´s last [post] ..Be careful where your brain takes you on dark nights…..
You need a “Giggles” box so I can rate this post “Giggles”.
miss.cinders´s last [post] ..Hello Brain, it’s Me, Body.
Hippogriffs indeed!
(Heck I don’t even do my own floors, why would I want to do someone else’s…)
river´s last [post] ..it’s been a funny sort of day
My trolls like to get my facebook page banned every few weeks. And my FB page is the most lame-o PG rated page ever. Ugh.
Alex aka Whoa Mumma´s last [post] ..Hooray For Big Bums And Boobies – the Golden Globes Edition
Damn – trolls? Can’t they just stay under that bloody bridge for once?
Madmother´s last [post] ..Uberkate – How You Warm My Heart.
You offer “service for payment” ? Hmmmm. Now THAT is an interesting notion.
lceel´s last [post] ..Another winter, Photo365, Day 17
so you have a troll calling you a hippogriff? Why does that please me so?
Oh so that’s where I have gone wrong with my blog I was supposed to ask for money, I have been making my husband pay for it all of these years..
Nicole Beltane´s last [post] ..Shit Oz Bloggers Say – Episode 1
I suspect you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that certain trolls have a tenuous grasp of the English language. It was pretty bloody clear what you were referring to and what you weren’t referring to. Jeez. At least they’re good for a laugh. Anyway, I totally agree and I fucking love you. That’s all that really matters isn’t it? Thought so. xxxxxxx
Ali´s last [post] ..Filling you in
What about offering to sell them a board game for a snip at £6,500 + VAT to help fund the next round of IVF? That is purely entrepreneurial right?
Still no fucking takers.
Or trolls.
Womb For Improvement´s last [post] ..Merry Quizmas Everybody!
A new Saab? A what? Poor Saab. I loved mine but then GM ran them into the ground and they are (almost) no more.
magpie´s last [post] ..Unpacking
haha…fuck I love you. Don’t let the people with no lives dictate how you live yours.
Jenny Talia´s last [post] ..nothing will get accomplished around here until I’ve watched every episode, sorry
Hippogriff. Me likey
And now I’m going to trawl the comments from your last post for entertainment’s sake. I derive a sick sort of pleasure from reading what douchebags have to say!
Ness [Six One and Then Some]´s last [post] ..Mountains and Choppers and Doctors – Oh, My!
Damn and I was just about to the internetz to provide me with a shiny new car, and a nice big house for the kids and I. I was hoping for acreage so we could have lots of animals too. You mean that’s wrong? Way to let a girl down. Guess I’ll have to go back to work for a living … sigh.
Maid In Australia´s last [post] ..Wordless Wednesday: The Hump Day Edition
If you keep giving people a piece of your mind, you know that eventually there will be nothing lef…oh, wait…nevermind!
Mwhah!!!
Trolls belong under the bridge, drowning in the murky water. The end.
karin´s last [post] ..Exploring the Wilderness
I had a Twitter Troll this week. Veronica says I’m now Twitter Royalty. Ima gonna put a “buy me a crown” button on my sidebar.
Glowless´s last [post] ..Of Twitter Haters and PR Fails
Dont you feel like shaking the shit out of some people and saying… youre so f#$%^%ING silly…. stop or you’ll be genetically out bred by scientists trying to improve the human genome.
Simone´s last [post] ..Cookies. for the white and dark choc chip on my shoulder
I get my fair share, but mine are unable to string a few words together…. why can’t computer programs just say. ‘Great blog, thanks’ or similar… cos then I’d be fooled!
Motherfuckers!
Deb
Deborah´s last [post] ..Tiggy* Oz style
Kelley, darling, I would clean your floors in a heartbeat, but I’m pretty sure my… ahem, “methods” aren’t up to snuff with yours. I’d get fired, and then where would we be? I’d be bitter and in Australia with no floors to clean, and you’d be trying to figure out how the hell to get rid of me. That’s where.
It’s best if I don’t even try. At least that’s the attitude I’ve taken at home.
Krissa´s last [post] ..The Funky Chicken
“Sponsorship to go to a conference and blog advertising is offering a service for payment. Putting up a widget on your sidebar and telling your readers to spread the word cause mummy needs a new SAAB is another thing entirely.”
YEP!
And you tell ‘em!!
meleah rebeccah´s last [post] ..I Am In Love
Yep – perhaps you could direct the trolls towards the dictionary definitions of “sponsorship” and “begging”. They are not synonyms.
Amanda´s last [post] ..Dear Darl, it’s 19 January, 2012
I am just so jealous of your troll collection. It’s not fair. I only get people putting comments on old renovating posts in an attempt to sell more roofing in Alabama. *flounce*
Chookie Inthebackyard´s last [post] ..Bog Garden Planted
Don’t you guys wanna see these trolls in person? I think that they are just some unsecure people with no self confidence, no life and no friends. They have nothing else to do (and it pleases them) is just to go and attack people anonymously.
Anna´s last [post] ..Dental treatment – everyone needs it sooner or later {???}
If I buy you a toy SAAB will you tattoo a hippogriff on your arse? Photo evidence required x
Liz @Mumstrosity´s last [post] ..2012 = A Fresh Start
People suck and there is no win.
Seriously, the trolls need to get lives.
Marita´s last [post] ..I am sick to death of businesses not delivering even the most basic of customer service
I’d buy you a SAAB if I could ♥