Scene opens to Kelley googling recipes and decorations for Christmas
Universe: what the fuck are you doing?
Kelley: baking a fucking cake with my feet what does it look like?
Universe: I thought you were handing over Christmas this year and doing the bare minimum? That was my ultimate achievement! Taking Christmas away from you.
Kelley: well, yeah, but I can still make fudge and brownies and wrap all the presents elegantly with hand stamped cards and make all my decorations and make a different type of breakfast scroll for each morning till the end of january and those christmas jellies and chocolates and gingerbread train are not going to make theirmotherfuckingselves now are they?
BAM exploding ovarian cyst
Kelley: Meh. Had worse. Last time you gave me appendicitis as well. I think I am going to walk every day now too. And when I go shopping I will park a kilometre away from the centre and then lug all my purchases over soggy grass wearing fabulous heels.
BAM fall over in the shower and then ovaries explode like cane toads in a blender.
Kelley: FINE. I will sit here and go on pinterest… OMG I CAN MAKE BROWNIES THAT LOOK LIKE SANTA HATS! And my own Christmas crackers! And here is a whole bunch of shit that Boo and I can do over the holidays but I must get it all ready in the 3 days I have left before he finishes school and now I will write a list of all the things I must do before Boo finishes school and before Christmas and then I shall completely declutter and rearrange the house and I have always thought that we should move…
Universe: Seriously? You are on your own now lady.