Alternative title: the easiest cake you will ever decorate and people will be all OOOOOOH YOU ARE SO FANCY or ‘is that a cake out of the Womens Weekly Birthday Cookbook?’ and you punch her in the face and keep walking.
So first you text your daughter about what sort of cake she wants.
And she replies Hello Kitty mudcake with Betty Crocker icing.
And you die a little inside because:
1. CHOCOLATE mudcake and white fucking cat equals head explosion
2. BETTY FUCKING CROCKER premade icing.
and FUCK ME DEAD the kid is twenty years old when is she going to grow out of this Hello Motherfucking Kitty stage.
But you do it because you are awesome.
And because, lets face it, it is EASY.
So you bake your cake, obviously.
And then while it is cooling you google images of Hello Kitty and actually hit your own damn blog a couple of times.
Cut the bitch out.
And stick her on top of the cake… with toothpicks.
Then take a really sharp knife and cut around it.
Take the image off and then open the tin of stupid arsed store bought crap icing and slap that shit on.
This is called the crumb coat if you want to be all fancy.
Basically it just stops the crumbs from fucking up your cake. Which is awesome cause no one wants a fucked up cake now do they?
Then you double wrap the sucker in foil and plastic wrap and chuck it in the freezer till you need it.
And then make the face.
This shit is so easy. Get fondant, roll into a ball and stick it on the picture. Done.
Let it dry for a couple of days. Let it set up nice and hard so grandma breaks a tooth on it when she steals it from the kiddies.
As they always say ‘it is all fun and games until grandma breaks a tooth on stolen Hello Kitty Whiskers’
Totally not a euphemism.
On the day you are going to serve the cake – or the day before, I mean no one really cares what the thing TASTES like really – take it out of the freezer and let it thaw slightly before whacking on two tubs of that premade shit and then slapping on the eyes, nose, whiskers and bow in your daughters favourite colour.
By now you don’t really care about smoothness of the icing because that premade shit is a bitch to work with.
Serve to Damn Emos that are all oooooooooh.
If you want to be extra fancy you could split the cake before icing it and put raspberry puree buttercream between the layers and then cover the cake with white chocolate ganache but anyone asking for fucking BETTY CROCKER PRE MADE ICING should be fucking thankful they got a cake at all.
And then you go and make cream cheese icing from scratch for school cupcakes and let infidels lick the bowl and they are all DAY-UM this shit is cash or whatever the cool kids say these days because you are too drunk to care.