Day two at work.
I rocked some red suede boots.
With killer heels.
Management decided, in their infinite wisdom to give me training in some new processes because CLEARLY that is a fucking INSPIRED idea when a staff member returns after a motherfucking stroke.
The chick doing the training had heard about my brain fart and spoke to me like old ladies do to small babies. I was expecting her to pinch my cheeks and tell me I was such a good little girl. And me to remove her tongue via her throat.
Then in the afternoon I wrote a shit ton of letters to clients.
Cause I am AWESOME at writing legalese letters.
And obviously none were written during my sabbatical. Or trip to Bali. Or whatthefuckever is the latest rumour of why I wasn’t there.
During this time my eyes decided to have a little freak out causing me to not be able to focus AT ALL with all wavy lines and sparks and technocolour shit going on and then the motherfucking Vertigo kicked in and I was all ‘talk to me people am I making sense and are my eyes rolling around in my head like when you get a baby and swing them around a few times and their eyes keep going when their body stops thing?’
Not that I have ever done that or anything. Heh.
And everyone was all ‘what the fuck are you on about woman?’ and ‘yeah you make sense, well as much sense as you normally do’ and ‘LOL I love it when babies do that lets look that shit up on YouTube’
You are totally welcome.
So after 10 minutes of watching babies spin on YouTube I returned to my task.
All the more awesome as I could NOT SEE WHAT I WAS DOING. Just the vague outline of the keyboard and word document on my screen behind the flashing lights projected by my now shiny disco ball eyes.
After I had them all written – cutting corners with a template where I just had to fill in the address, greeting and body of the letter – and signed them all with a flourish I realised my mistake.
Was addressed to Brian.
The FIRST recipient of my fabulously verbose, grammatically perfect, no need for motherfucking spell check and punctuation of epic proportions letters.
That I DID NOT SAVE BEFORE PRINTING.
I should have just sent them all this shirt and be done with it.
Because I am sure Linda wouldn’t have minded.