Isn’t it better to be prepared for the worst, spending all night fretting about what might happen and then when it does be prepared with an action plan and a bulleted LIST than be all ‘I will worry when I have something to worry about’.
Oh fucking BITE ME.
Don’t come running to me and ask how to defend yourself from the Zombie Apocalypse cause I had that shit worked out back in 1987 WAAAAAAY before it was cool to worry about the undead.
And on your death bed you are all ‘OMG what do I want on my headstone?’
I totally have that sorted.
‘Stephen Fry follows her on Twitter’
Cause he totally does. Which makes me more awesome than you.
Yes, sometimes it is a little bit draining worrying about serial killers and running out of petrol on the highway when it is raining and Boo is in the car and there is a serial killer on the loose with a hook for a hand, but HOW DO YOU FUCKING FUNCTION leaving the house 5 minutes before your bus is due, or driving on said highway with the fuel gauge pointing at empty or just putting your feet in your shoes without checking for huge fanged spiders thats venom eats flesh in only a small proportion of the population BUT WHAT IF THAT SMALL PROPORTION OF THE POPULATION IS YOU?
And how will you wear shoes with only half a foot?
Yeah… didn’t think of that did you?
Well I did.
All the fucking time.
Whenever something good happens I am always looking over my shoulder for the ax to fall, for the universe to defecate down my back, or SOMETHING or SOMEONE to ruin it all.
Glass half empty?
It is only half empty cause you drank all the good stuff and left me with the floaties in the bottom, motherfucker.
You live your happy shiny life with not a care in a world.
You continue not worrying about bad stuff happening until it happens and I will sit here in the corner thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong and madly write lists and plans on how to deal with the fallout.
And when the zombies come or the serial killer waves his hook at you all menacingly like or your foot drops off because of your devil may care attitude I will be standing there smirking and saying ‘not so motherfucking smug NOW are we?’
And hand you my escape plan.
Cause I worry about YOU too.
So are you a
pessimist realist or one of those fucking annoying fuckers who smile in the face of possible mortal danger that could totally happen cause you just never know what is around the corner OMG DO YOU NOT EVEN CARE?
*breathes deeply into a paper bag*